'Cannes You Dig It?' 

In praise of ‘Seduced and Abandoned’ a documentary by Alec Baldwin and James Toback.

This week I watched Seduced and Abandoned, part of the HBO Documentary season running on Sky Atlantic at the moment. Fronted by actor Alec Baldwin and screenwriter James Toback, the film is a fascinating peak behind the curtain of the Cannes Film Festival and acts as a ‘state of play’ snapshot of making movies in Hollywood in 2013 and the film industry in general. Baldwin, with Toback in tow, attends the festival for the first time under the pretence of rustling up financial backing for an original script he intends to star in, while also making a documentary film recording their efforts. Hitting countless brick walls and encountering many of the film industries great and good ( past and present) along the way, the film leaves you with the feeling that it’s a miracle anything other than sequels and franchise movies ever gets made.

 The pair’s idea to make a film set in Iraq that mirrors the (literally) balls-out, non-commercial spirit of Bernardo Bertolucci’s Last Tango In Paris - with Baldwin subbing for Marlon Brando and Scream star Neve Campbell as his female lead – is met with unanimous blank stares. Maybe these guys have seen the bedroom scenes from Baldwin’s ‘bonking divorcee’ comedy, It’s Complicated, or are trying to save Campbell from a lifetime of therapy and PTSD – or it could be they just think it sounds like a pretty terrible idea! Aware of the necessity for foreign investors and the need to secure overseas distribution and home entertainment rights upfront, Baldwin and Toback are looking to raise approximately $15-$18 million to make their movie, but based on the two actor’s ‘marquee value’ they are told that they will be lucky to bag anything near that amount. Several unconnected foreign investors quote a max budget of $4-$5 million with these stars attached and they suggest that Baldwin should stick to what he knows – the idea for a submarine based comedy, with lots of sex thrown in, featuring the star of 30 Rock and The Hunt for Red October is something that these guys can really get behind. It’s this incredibly blinkered and unimaginative thinking that prevails and at that point the first of several hard and fast rules surfaces – Money Follows Stars. The only names that seem to be on anyone’s lips at this year’s Cannes are Jessica Chastain and Ryan Gosling. With this in mind our pair of intrepid filmmakers set up interviews with both these actors and pitch their idea. As you can imagine it doesn’t exactly go down well, but both actors are gracious enough to say they’d need to read the script before they signed on – I imagine a waste paper bin with the words ‘In Tray’ printed on the side of it will be that script’s final resting place.

Next stop is trawling the adjacent marina for several lunch dates aboard the yachts of some of the world’s wealthiest men. The impression you’re left with is - Billionaires stay Billionaires because they like to keep a tight hold on their cash – protecting their money with the quiet, steely determination of a 1970’s BBC TV presenter sneaking into the auditions for Bugsy Malone.

This could all be very depressing and leave you despairing where your next Blue Valentine, The Descendants or Before Midnight is coming from, but our hosts are suitable aware and bring a wry smirk of optimism to the proceedings. Baldwin is quick to admit that, in terms of movies at least, his star power faded very quickly first time around and his new-found success as a TV comedy actor is a solid, if fleeting, platform from which to launch a second movie career. He also acknowledges the shift in power away from Director towards Actor that has occurred in recent years, stating that back in the late 80’s, in the hands of Mike Nichol’s, his director in Working Girl, he was just “a spatula he used to flip an omelette, I wasn’t the omelette...I was the salt that you might have sprinkled on it”. He sums up his inability to maintain a high profile career as follows, “The way you make it in this business is you have to become a real selfish mother-fucker”. He’s not kidding! And if to prove a point, he hooks up with Brett Ratner – the man who made his name directing the Rush Hour franchise and un-made his name by almost derailing the lucrative X-Men franchise with Last Stand and making dubiously sexist (and anti-gay) comments ahead of his abortive attempt to produce the Oscar Ceremony in 2012 – talk about making a target of your target audience.

As Baldwin and Toback’s vision appears to be slipping further and further from their grasp, the film takes several sideways glances at some of the most iconic films in cinema history, offering up behind the scenes anecdotes and insights into the making of Goodfellas, Chinatown, The Pianist, The Godfather, Rosemary’s Baby and, of course, Last Tango In Paris. We are treated to interviews from the likes of Roman Polanski, Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford-Coppola and James Caan who reminisce about their experiences, the ever changing landscape of film and the true Hollywood legends (including Robert Evans - subject of the OTHER great Hollywood insider documentary, The Kid Stays In The Picture – well worth a viewing if you can squeeze it in).

In the end you are left with a fairly bleak picture of the major studios and the cinema industry as it stands – no one actually thinks it’s any harder to make films these days – in fact technological advancements and across the board access to all manner of affordable camera equipment has made the process easier than ever - but it is a hell-of-a-lot harder to rustle up the funding – it’s either $100 million plus blockbusters, franchise pictures or re-makes or $5 million Indies and very little inbetween. In an industry where senior executives are constantly looking over their shoulders at the ‘next guy’ with THE HIT under his belt coming up fast behind, where the wishes of the marketing executives and the projected sale of home entertainment rights are considered long before a script has even been written or a director hired, where everyone is fixated on ‘running the numbers’ and fearful of producing anything untested or with no in-built audience, It has never been more difficult to raise the money to produce a mid-budget film based on an original screenplay or anything like a unique, visionary concept. Ron Meyer, President and COO of Universal Studios and co-founder of CAA (Creative Artists Agency) sums it up perfectly, “In the Industry we make some shitty movies and we make some great movies...the real problem in this business if you make a great film that no-one goes to see, versus a bad film that everyone has gone to see, the way you keep your job is you make that bad film...you don’t get points for that good film.”

Toback’s highlights his fear that something remarkable and unrepeatable, the ‘auteur’ cinema of the 1960’s and 70’s, has withered and died with virtually no fanfare, aside from in the memories of some of the directors and actors who participated in those ‘glory days’, by quoting a poem, ‘Requiem’, by John Updike:

It came to me the other day:

Were I to die, no one would say,

“Oh, what a shame! So young, so full

Of promise – depth unplumbable!”

Instead, a shrug and tearless eyes

Will greet my overdue demise;

The wide response will be, I know,

“I thought he died a while ago.”

For life’s shabby subterfuge,

And death is real, and dark, and huge.

The shock of it will register

Nowhere but where it will occur.

If nothing else the film gives insight into a world that may have passed, but will always remain in the work that was produced. What it fails to acknowledge is that fact that outside the Hollywood system and within certain genre’s things are different – ‘horror specialist’ Blumhouse Productions made their mark with Paranormal Activity. This was a small budget film – made independently for $15,000 – that grossed nearly $200 million dollars worldwide in 2009 when licensed for distribution through a Hollywood studio, Paramount. The company has gone on, under a strictly enforced ‘mission statement’ that caps budgets at the $10 million mark - with most coming in at around $3-$5 million - to make consistently high grossing horror genre films including The Purge, Dark Skies and Sinister. They have chosen their market, realise the potential built into that market and cater for it almost exclusively. Their ethos dictates that ‘the director is king’, encouraging inventive filmmaking, out-of-the-box marketing and a promise that the creative’s vision will be unaltered and remain free from ‘studio intervention’ if they stay under the afore-mentioned budget ceiling. They also attract relatively big name’s and quality actors such as Ethan Hawke, Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne by offering them percentage of back-end gross over up-front salaries – and when a movie makes over 130 times its budget, there’s plenty of ‘back-end’ to go around. Surely this model could be easily translated to fit films in any genre and work inside the studio system.

You would hope the news that the independently produced, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa had passed the $100 million thresh-hold in the US this week would be a wake-up call. This is a comedy with no big stars (sorry Johnny! but with all the will in the world I can’t really bring myself to put you on the Hollywood A-list), with a price tag which puts it neatly into that ‘twilight zone’, mid-range budget that has been all but eradicated from our cinema screens. This little movie cost less than $15 million to make and has so far out grossed some of this year’s biggest studio turkeys at the domestic box-office, including The Lone Ranger (budget $225 million), Elysium (budget $115 million), White House Down (budget $150 million ) and Jack The Giant Slayer (budget $ 185 million). Unfortunately, with mega-budget sequels such as Transformers: Age of Extinction just around the corner, it looks like we might have to wait a while for that Baldwin/Neve political fuck-fest, Last Tango In Baghdad, to see the light of day...but put like that, maybe that’s not such a bad thing!

Khan You Feel the Force?

Films of the Year:

Star Trek: Into Darkness

On its initial release, I saw Star Trek: Into Darkness three times at the cinema and scored it a more than solid 9/10. I described it as “an ‘everything-I-could-possibly-have-wanted’ Star Trek movie”. I read several four star reviews and the team at the ‘Empire’ podcast were gushing more than the competition winners whisked backstage at a One Direction concert to meet the band. Then something weird happened. At the time of the DVD/Blu-ray release, there seemed to be a lot of revisionist reviewing going on. The film was suddenly dropping stars from its ratings faster than the stars of The Counsellor were dropping that film from the top of their CV’s. Where there had been endless praise for the pacing and giddy excitement surrounding the casting (and subsequent performance) of Benedict Cumberbatch, as well as uncontainable speculation about whether or not he was or wasn’t Khan, now there was bitching about it being too shallow, a post Fifth Estate Cumberbatch was experiencing a bit of a back-lash (a Batch-lash if you will) and suddenly he was ‘chewing the scenery’ - munching the walls of his ‘Enterprise’ cell as if he was a Hollywood starlet the day after her ‘Vanity Fair’ cover-shoot – and the revelation that Cumberbatch WAS in fact Khan was seen as some sort of a ‘cop-out’ and ‘shitting all over the memory of Wrath of Khan’! Make up your mind guys! First you want it. Then you don’t! It’s Anne Heche and cock all over again!

Seeing the film again, I’m inclined to stick with my initial assessment. I liken the experience of watching it in December, looking all the way back to its release in May, as akin to the ‘space jump’, from the ‘Enterprise’ to the USS Vengeance, undertaken by Kirk and Khan in the film. Like the mine-field of debris and ‘space-junk’ that stands in their way, I can’t help but think of the garbage I should have made more effort to avoid – yes! I’m looking at you Wolverine, Man of Steel and After Earth!

Any criticism of the cast being too ‘pretty’ or lacking the depth of character of any previous ‘Enterprise’ crew is easy to ignore. The 2009 Star Trek introduced Chris Pine as Captain James T. Kirk, Zachary Quinto as Spock, Karl Urban as Dr ‘Bones’ McCoy, Simon Pegg as Scotty, Zoe Saldana as Uhura, John Cho as Sulu and Anton Yelchin as Chekov  – ‘pretty’ they may be, but they are also the best ensemble cast this side of the Avengers being Ensembled...sorry I mean Assembled. It’s the strength of these actors working individually and in different groupings that really shines in Into Darkness. Okay, some of them have less to do than would seem appropriate, but they all get at least one moment to shine – Sulu’s “If you test me...you will fail” threat as he takes the Captain’s chair, Scotty struggling to run, end to end, in the massive cargo bay before delivering two great lines – “Captain, this door is very wee” and “Are you Star Fleet or private security?” Uhura has some great scenes with Spock – best of all being the ‘passive aggressive’ argument on the way to Kronos  and the subtlety of the tiny, tortured cry she emits when Spock forcefully breaks Khan’s arm during their final showdown in San Francisco – Chekov rescuing Kirk and Scotty with a life-saving game of Monkey Barrel, Bones in the torpedo deactivation sequence and in his dead-pan delivery of lines like, “Don’t be so melodramatic...You were barely dead!” and most of all the bantering to-and-fro between Kirk and Spock – best exemplified by the scene where they attempt to outrun the Klingon Warbirds by flying their shuttle into a very small space between two buildings:

Spock: If you are suggesting that we utilise the passage between the approaching structures - this ship will not fit.

Kirk: We’ll fit.

Spock: Captain, we will not fit.

Kirk: I told you we’d fit.

Spock: I am not sure that qualifies.

The deepening friendship and mutual respect that acts as the glue to every Kirk/Spock related Star Trek story is central to Into Darkness and acts as a believable touchstone for the events of the film’s final coda. Don’t get me wrong, I still have problems with that final act – following (but flipping) the final resolution to Wrath of Khan is just the wrong side of ‘affectionate referencing’ for me and I would have been happier if they’d had the confidence in their audience to carry Kirk’s ‘resurrection’ over into film No.3 - or at least end the film with a more subtle shot of the seemingly dead Captain, closing in on his face as his eyes open – but to be honest, that’s a small niggle in a mountain of large gold nuggets. Like Julie Andrews on a dark and stormy night, I’m inclined to think about my favourite things – while Kirk’s non-death might seem like a ‘bee sting’ or a ‘dog bite’, there are too many ‘whiskers on kittens’ and ‘raindrops on roses’ to mention...but I’ll try:

The pre-backlash Benedict Cumberbatch adds real weight to, what might be in another’s hands, some fairly over-wrought dialogue – the first prison-cell scene is pitch-perfect and his delivery of the “I will walk over your cold corpses to recover my people” line is chilling and exhilarating in equal measure.

It’s in the script department that Into Darkness really sets itself apart. Aside from previously mentioned gems there are numerous other grand-standing speeches and some very quotable lines, none more so than this exchange between Spock and McCoy:

McCoy: Tell me this is going to work.

Spock: I have neither the information nor the confidence to do so Doctor.

McCoy: Boy, you’re a real comfort.

There’s no shortage of edge-of-your-seat set pieces either – The ‘cold opening’ / pre-credits mission has JJ written all over it – he was pulling this stunt as far back as season one of Alias and Mission Impossible III - The entire Kronos sequence bodes well for Episode VII, riffing as it does on several key Star Wars moments including the Millennium Falcon escape from the exploding Death Star at the end of The Return of the Jedi and the dog-fight escape from Mos Eisely in Star Wars.

The warp-speed chase between the ‘Enterprise’ and the ‘Vengeance’ is virtually unparalleled in its dazzling visuals and, after the finale free-fall from space, the ‘Enterprise’ rising through the clouds might be the ultimate Star Trek ‘money-shot’.  

Best of all is the aforementioned ‘space jump’ between the two Federation Starships - Exhilarating, tense and a master-class in the use of special effects and sound-design. News of this sequence must have elicited a few beads of cold sweat from Alfonso Cuarón, the director of ‘Gravity’ - considering that his four-years-in-the making, ‘ground-breaking’ and ‘uniquely innovative’ film’s plot hinges on a lengthy sequence that involves his characters ‘space walking’ in a deadly debris field as they try to escape from a destroyed space shuttle to the safety of a nearby space station!

Aside from the broader strokes – original series references including Tribbles and Nurse Chapel – and that much talked about Alice Eve ‘underwear shot’ – in its defence, aside from a similarly unnecessary shot of Kirk in his ‘tidy-whities’ earlier in the movie, there was a similar Uhura scene in the first film and that kind of ‘titillation’ was definitely in keeping with the tone of the original series – the film has some fun with its source material. I especially like the transition shot that fades Scotty’s exclamation of “Holy Shit” with the ‘Shhhh’ swishing sound of the opening door to the bridge of the ‘Enterprise’. I also liked the squashing of the Alcatraz prison by the crash-landing ‘Vengeance’ – a sneaky “F –You” to the Fox Network for cancelling JJ’s ‘Alcatraz’ TV series after one, 13 episode, season?

All in all it stands up to repeated viewing and I maintain that the Star Wars franchise couldn’t really be in safer hands. Now all he has to do is steer clear of anything amphibian with questionably racist undertones and avoid showing his lead actress in any gratuitous bikini shots - because you’d never get THAT in a Star Wars movie...oh! Wait a minute...Who’s that chained to Jabba’s throne? 

Maybe You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks...

or 'how to write a love letter to your ex-employer'

Yesterday I let something take place that I don't normally allow to happen...I let my usual care-free and sunny disposition slip...Okay! that's not what happened....oh! I really make myself laugh sometimes...which is just as well, 'cos I probably would've been in tears...in fact I was for a bit...

After I let something petty bring me down and upset me, I found myself writing an imaginary break-up letter to my former employer - you know the kind of thing I mean - the sort of letter you send after you've been apart for a while but you hope will either get you back together or split you up for good...just to fill anyone in who doesn't know me or anyone who has managed to let it slide that they do, in fact, know me...I worked for hmv for over twenty years. I lost my job earlier this year during their much publicised administration. I say lost...that suggests that it slipped through a hole in my pocket, or I let it roll under the sofa...no, I didn't lose it, it just wasn't there anymore. I went into work one day and a few hours later I went home unemployed...there was a rather distressing half hour meeting before that, but I'm pretty sure everyone read about that on Twitter at the time...

My letter started out as a 'Dear John' that was addressed to me, but then I realised I really should let the whole company know how I feel...

Dear hmv,

I just wanted to drop you a note to say that I'm happy you are moving on, I'm even sort of happy that you've re-connected with a lot of your old friends - even the ones you said you didn't really like that much when we were still together - but I'm disappointed and upset that you think my opinions regarding how you choose to conduct yourself (past or present) are somehow disrespectful or unhelpful. I'm not bitter about how I was treated by you or towards the people who made the final decisions that were made, but I think I have every right to be. I also have the right to express my opinions and air my feelings on that subject...but I haven't...anywhere! I have, however, shown my ongoing loyalty to you by applying for several jobs within the company (but as yet I've not even been offered the chance to interview for any of the new positions that have opened up). Like J. J. Barrie in the 2nd greatest country song of all time - I'll tell anyone who'll listen that most of my time working for you was a pleasure and a privilege, not a duty - I worked long hours and didn't get paid for all of them. No Charge! I worked days off and cut short holidays. No Charge! I even let you make me redundant without actually giving me any notice what-so-ever. No Charge! The song ends with the line, 'The cost of real love is, no charge'. I, as they say on every TV talent show, gave you 110%. I wont insult you by saying it was all sunshine and unicorns...it wasn't. But like many former (& current) hmv employees, I did it because I loved it...not for financial reward...because I loved it. You, more than anyone, should know how devastating the last year has been for me. All I can say is I genuinely hope you never have to go through the same process again that I (& many of our mutual friends & colleagues) went through this year. It is heartbreaking to lose a job, but it's even harder to give up something that you believed was an integral part of your life. 'What about your redundancy?' I hear you say! Well if you think that's compensation for over twenty years work, you have a pretty weird idea of value for money or indeed the value of loyalty and hard work. No sum of money can compensate for the loss i have felt this year or soften the blow to anyone's self-esteem. As ever, I want to wish hmv every success, but I also want you to avoid making some of the same mistakes.

Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks...it must be better than letting it do all the old ones over and over again...

I'll leave the last words on the subject to someone who knows how to express the feeling of loss and the promise of hope, a lot better than I ever could...

Well, if it's so deep you don't think you can speak about it,

Don't ever think that you can't change the past and the future.

You might not think so now,

But just you wait and see...someone will come to help you.

Kate Bush - Love & Anger

Yours always

A Former Employee 

Coronation Street - 'Let's Get Ready To Crumble' 

or 'How Karl, literally, wiped the floor with Dev'

Friday nights double ‘Coronation Street’ saw the dramatic conclusion to the storyline that’s been simmering away on the back burner since Karl Munro torched The Rovers back in March, leaving Sunita Alahan and Paul The Fireman’s best mate, Random Firewoman Person, looking like the carbonised bread crumbs lurking in that little drawer at the bottom of your toaster.

As soap luck would have it. the action unfolded  on the very day that Karl had finally managed to persuade the long suffering Stella to let him take her up the aisle – not as painful as it sounds, their turbulent relationship has seen Stella show Karl the (back) door on several occasions.  (Apologies, some ‘Carry On’ jokes seem to have spilled over from another article involving ‘Soap Legend’ Barbra Windsor) .

It’s fair to say that Karl (played by John Michie) and Dev (played by Jimmi Harkishin) have very different acting styles, in that Karl can and Dev really, really can’t...What transpired was like watching a master-class – not in acting, more like in joinery...Poor Karl. Dev’s acting is so wooden, what should have been a National Soap Award grabbing showdown, turned out to be more like watching Karl sweep the floor of The Rovers with a broom handle made up to look like Dev.  Let’s be clear about this, John Michie isn't Scottish but he spent a good ten years convincingly rolling his ‘R’s around the streets of Glasgow saying “Therrrrrre’s bin a murrrderrrr” in ‘Taggart’ before he reverted to a Manc drawl to join ‘The Street’ a couple of years back. Dev on the other hand has relied on a style I like to call ‘gracious old lady acting’, which involves him looking bashfully around whatever scene he is in, making no eye contact with anyone and adding a camp flourish of upward intonation to every line. Think a Bollywood Lady Bracknell meets Miss Bertha from ‘Acorn Antiques’ and you’re almost there. The script writers saw a way out and, after a few excruciating scenes where Dev seemed to be channelling Hannibal Lecter to convey menace,  they used the old ‘sh*t-actor-in-coma-during-dramatic-scenes’ ploy (first fully utilised during their first ‘live’ episode when hospital bed-ridden Vera Duckworth slipped into unconsciousness at the start of the episode, only to wake up just before the credits rolled) by having Karl knock Dev out with an unfeasibly sturdy bottle of whiskey applied briskly to the side of his head. Not that it was all Dev’s fault. His delivery doesn’t help, but some of the lines he was given were so obtuse and cryptic, I thought I was watching an Eric Cantona press conference. “When the hot pot makes its journey to The Cabin, it’s because Audrey’s is fully booked and the Bistro has run out of olives”. I’m not even going to go into the story writing process that came up with Karl dragging hostage Stella into the cellar – did they do it just ‘cos they liked the little rhyme? With writing this poor, it’s no wonder Michelle Collins announced recently that, early next year, she is leaving Weatherfield for good. Her screams of “If you’re going to kill me, kill me” may just have been an adlibbed cry for help.

 Highlights for me included Jason Grimshaw manfully dragging the half conscious Dev out of the warm, dry comfort of The Rovers bar floor and unceremoniously dropping him into a massive puddle on the rain soaked cobbles outside the pub. To be fair, Jason may have been distracted by Owen wearing an identical tight black t-shirt in what might be the most surprising edition of ‘Fashion Police’s’ favourite game, ‘Bitch Stole My Look’.

Elsewhere in the episodes, Faye’s new  BFF, Grace, revealed herself to be a member of Weatherfield’s very own Bling Ring – if I was Cilla Black or Dale Winton, I’d be making doubly sure the extension doors were locked before I headed out to the ‘Stepping Out’ Live Finale in a couple of weeks time.  And in a pathetic attempt to pull in younger viewers, Corrie writers appeared to have Dev change his Facebook status to ‘nearly dead’ to alert the rest of The Street to his plight....Grace was later seen tweeting  #getsomeactinglessonsloser

Now I did look away for a moment, but during the Karl V’s Dev showdown I think ITV1 slipped in a cheeky trailer for their new dramatisation of ‘The Simon Cowell Story’, all I heard was “Sinitta, Sinitta, Sinitta, change the record pal. That woman never knew the meaning of love, or loyalty, or self-respect for that matter”. I’ll definitely be tuning in for that.

The whole episode made me crave for the good old days when ‘Eastenders’ was in its heyday (post Mary The Punk, pre Moon’s) when they revelled in the opportunity to pull out ‘The Two Hander’ - two characters stretching out over the entire running time of the episode and acting, ACTING, ACTING!  Whether it was Den and Ange, or Dot and that woman who now plays one of the old women in the Wonga.com ads (previous roles include knitting ‘Shreddies’ – have you tasted them? They're definitely made out of wool). The sad thing is, ‘Coronation Street’ has the talent. Who wouldn’t want to watch a full half hour of Roy and Hayley come to terms with her current, heartbreaking, story-line, or Leanne and Carla spending 22 minutes explaining to us all what it is that they see in Peter ‘Whiskey Sour’ Barlow. The nearest ‘Corrie’ gets to a ‘Two Hander’ these days,  is Eva’s ample chest...described by Karl’s Best Man ,Tez, in the best line of the episode, as looking like a “dead heat in a zeppelin race”.

Why ‘The Bake Off’ team should learn a thing or two from Kick Ass and Hit Girl.

I almost didn’t go to see ‘Kick Ass 2’ this week. The reviews have been largely negative, with many heralding the return of the ‘Piss Poor Sequel’.

The law of diminishing returns argument, cemented by seventies franchises like ‘Jaws’ ‘Superman’ and the 1990’s incarnation of ‘Batman’, has been on shaky ground in the past few years. Creative quality drops have not necessarily resulted in corresponding box office declines. Outside the horror genre, where creative quality control might be considered less important (and in the case of the ‘Saw’ franchise – an alien concept), the pressure to deliver ‘bigger and better’ has meant that budgets have gone up, while the press reactions have generally gotten worse. Big budget franchises such as ‘Iron Man’, ‘Sherlock Holmes’, ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and ‘Transformers’ continue to deliver review-proof box office numbers, despite the general consensus that as the title pre-fix numbers go up, the movies get steadily worse.

Like its titular main character ‘Kick Ass’ was a seven stone weakling in comparison to the bulked up superhero competition (‘Iron Man 2’, ‘Thor’, ‘Captain America’ and ‘X-Men: First Class’) kicking sand in his face at the box office in 2010/11. But his special powers were pretty simple: he obviously wasn’t real, but, to his target audience, he was pretty relatable. The beating that ‘Kick Ass 2’ has been dealt by movie reviewers in the dark alleyways of the British Press, have focused on the fact that it’s impossible to capture that ‘lightening-in-a-bottle’ freshness and originality twice. So how do you solve a problem like Hit Girl growing up? I say - Let her! Despite an almost complete overhaul of the key creative team, the sequel successfully re-captured the frantic pace, and knowing ‘geek-friendly’ tone of the original, dropping its fair share of F (and C) Bombs along the way, but allowing its narrative and main characters to develop in a satisfying manner. I believed the story arcs in this movie more than those on display in recent clunk-fests ‘The Wolverine’ and ‘Man of Steel’. Not everything works, but the original didn’t hit bullseye with every ninja star either. ‘Kick Ass’ definitely set out to shock with a (then) thirteen year old Chloe Grace Moretz using the ‘C’ word in one of her introductory scenes, but  I’m not sure that I believe in rape jokes being played for laughs or fifteen year old girls being forced to watch Union J videos unprotected, But I can believe that there are just as many heinous crimes being committed by gangs of Kardashian inspired Mean Girls in the high school gymnasiums of middle America as there are by organised crime gangs in downtown L.A. and I’m happy to watch Hit Girl give those Heathers a good poke with her ‘Sick Stick’. I’m glad they made a sequel and I’d happily give round three a shot, but I fear I may be kicking that ass on my own.

Also returning this week, following a similarly tried and tested formula, was ‘The Great British Bake Off’. Series four kicked off with an equally shocking barrage of C-words...it was ‘Cake this’ and ‘Cake that’ for the full hours running time! Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood held court over a new batch of inductees, a baker’s dozen no less, who will endeavour to serve up a cornucopia of baked delights over the next few months.

The ‘Bake Off’ franchise may be proving a little more robust than ‘Kick Ass’, but I for one would love to see it branch out a bit, exploit different revenue streams and get a bit more creative with its merchandise. Maybe a graphic novel where Mary (Superhero alter-ego – Fondant Fancy) and Paul (aka Bread Reckoning) recruit their own crime-fighting team, ‘Bakers League of Britain’, is a little too far-fetched. But who wouldn’t want to see Paul face off against a retired Civil Servant (‘I’d bake 24/7 but I’m a slave to Foccacia, my King Charles / Border Collie cross’) with the battle cry ‘You’ll be sprinkling your Pumpernickel with your own nut-flour if I don’t see a healthy rise’ or Mary telling some sad-sack amateur baker / nursery school teacher to ‘shove her wet ingredients up her muffin pans’ in wonderful, full colour illustrations. Maybe I'm on my own for that one too...

The Top 50 Best 12” Singles of the 80’s (Stewart Allan Extended Remix)

Inspired by the recent article in Classic Pop Magazine: Issue No.6, where, after a fraught vinyl fuelled lock-in session with several key contributors, a countdown of the Top 50 Best 12” Singles of the 80’s was finally completed. As soon as I found out their list, I started thinking about my own. To my surprise only one track featured in both our Top 50’s – John ‘Tokes’ Potoker’s ‘Sussudio’ remix for Phil Collins. To avoid cries of plagiarism, I swapped it out for my 51st favourite 12” instead. Hope you enjoy reading the list as much as I’ve enjoyed compiling it...I’ve shown you mine, now you show me yours...

50 – Morgan McVey – Looking Good Diving With The Wild Bunch (feat. Neneh Cherry) (12” Mix) (Remixed by The Wild Bunch – 4.10)

The first 12” on my list has such a complicated family tree it probably deserves its own episode of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ Ok, here goes...deep breath...a manufactured pop duo comprising of Jamie Morgan and Cameron Mcvey, with links to the UK Buffalo fashion scene, release ‘Looking Good Diving’, a throw away pop/dance track produced by Stock Aitken Waterman. It disappears without trace, but this B-side, featuring a then unknown Neneh Cherry and re-titled ‘Looking Good Diving With The Wild Bunch’, is a ground-breaking remix by The Wild Bunch (a Bristol based collective of trip hop musicians and DJ’s including Massive Attack’s, Mushroom). This remix would, in turn, be remixed and remodelled by Bomb The Bass’ Tim Simenon to become the basis for ‘Buffalo Stance’, Neneh Cherry’s breakthrough No.3 single from 1988. Cameron Mcvey went on to produce Massive Attack’s ‘Blue Lines’, All Saints’ eponymous debut and two albums by, two different incarnations of, The Sugababes.

49 – Dollar – Hand Held In Black And White (Extended Version) (Mixed by Trevor Horn – 5.05)

The first of several Trevor Horn related 12”s on my list. Pop duo David Van Day and Thereza Bazar had a whole other career in the late 1970’s, firstly as part of Guys and Dolls, and then latterly as Dollar. Hits such as ‘Who Were You With In The Moonlight’ and ‘Shooting Star’ were squeaky clean, MOR, radio fodder that placed them neatly alongside Brotherhood of Man and The Nolans at the church hall disco. Horn masterminded a pure pop resurrection that saw the band transformed into something so manufactured they probably should have changed their names to Barbie and Ken. ‘Hand Held In Black & White’ is included here, not only for its perfect pop credentials, but also for the fact that it was pressed on a white vinyl 12” with an oversized picture label.

48 – Paul Young – Come Back And Stay (12” Version) (Remixed by Laurie Latham – 7.31)

‘Wherever I Lay My Hat’ sat atop the UK singles chart for three weeks in the summer of 1983 and it would kickstart a decade long string of UK and US chart hits for Paul and his regular band of musicians. This follow-up single, written by Jack Lee (who’s most famous composition, ‘Hanging On The Telephone’, had been covered by Blondie, providing them with a Top 5 hit in 1978) best exemplifies the quirky covers and chaotic productions that turned the ‘No Parlez’ album into a multi-platinum success. This remix is firmly dated in the 80’s thanks to the trademarked Pino Palladino bass sound and distinctive Laurie Latham production.

47 – Monsoon – Ever So Lonely (12” Version) (Mixed by Hugh Jones and Steve Coe – 6.20)

The mix of contemporary UK dance flavours and traditional Indian musicians proved to be an enticing, exotic novelty and delivered a No.12 hit for backroom production wizard Steve Coe and vocalist Sheila Chandra in April 1982. Chandra would continue to plough her world music furrow for decades to come, recording several credible and critically acclaimed albums for Peter Gabriel’s Real World label.

46 – Janet Jackson – The Pleasure Principle (Long Vocal 12” Remix) (Remixed by Shep Pettibone – 7.27)

Released as the twenty third single from the ‘Control’ album (only another ten or so to go), ‘The Pleasure Principle’ was given several remixes by, man of the moment, Shep Pettibone. It kicks off with a cheeky cut-up vocal sample of Janet’s ‘I’ll Be Worth The Wait’ tease from ‘Let’s Wait Awhile’ (the twenty second single from  the ‘Control’ album) and mirrors his electro pulse tinged remixes for the likes of Madonna’s ‘Express Yourself’ and Kim Wilde’s ‘You Came’.

45 – OMD – If You Leave (Extended Version) (Mixed by Tom Lord Alge – 6.04)

A much bigger hit in the US than the UK (No.48 here, No.4 over there) after it featured in the climactic scenes of John Hughes’ ‘Pretty In Pink. It has since attained ‘cult’ status, becoming as synonymous with the decade as Simple Minds’ ‘(Don’t You) Forget About Me’ (which had topped the US charts the previous year after featuring in ‘The Breakfast Club’) slipping so completely into American pop culture that it now acts as an instant eighties nostalgia trigger. It was also the song that was actually playing when ‘Modern Family’s’ Phil and Claire Dunphy first got together at their high school prom (rather than Claire misremembering it as ‘True’ by Spandau Ballet  – apologies to Izzy Lafontaine).

44 – Spandau Ballet – I’ll Fly For You (12” Glide Mix) (Mixed by Tony Swain, Steve Jolley and Spandau Ballet – 7.13)

The third single from their ‘Parade’ album, ‘I’ll Fly For You’ is given a radical remix in the form of this breezy, prototype chill-out mix by Swain and Jolley. Stripping away virtually all the original instrumentation, replacing it with a laid back, shimmering groove and half whispered, half sung vocals.

43 – Fine Young Cannibals – Good Thing (Nothing Like The Single Mix) (Mixed by Fine Young Cannibals – 4.38)

Riding high on the wave of success created by ‘She Drives Me Crazy’ and its parent album ‘The Raw and the Cooked’, the Birmingham three-piece released ‘Good Thing’ as the second single from the project. Like its predecessor, It would reach No.1 on the US Billboard Hot 100. This remix does exactly what it says on the tin and throws away most of the album versions exuberant, pseudo 60’s, rockabilly vibe and drags it kicking and screaming, all the way to Madchester. Applying the same rhythmic shuffle that would come to epitomise The Stone Roses sound – their eponymous debut was released in the very same month as this remix – the track is given a far more contemporary and cutting edge feel.

42 – Stephen ‘Tin Tin’ Duffy – Kiss Me (Original 12” Version) (Remixed by Francois Kevorkian – 7.28)

This mix of ‘Kiss Me’ pre-dates, by a couple of years, the J.J. Jeczalik mix that delivered a Top 5 hit in March 1985. Mixed by Francois Kevorkian, it was an anomalously massive underground club hit in the Midlands in 1983 (no really!) It has the same hypnotic groove as Steve Hurley’s ‘Jack Your Body’ and some really cool vocal outtakes where Mr Duffy fails to hit the required high notes and trails off in groans of frustration.

41 – Act – Snobbery And Decay (Extended, For Stephanie Beecham) (Mixed by Stephen Lipson – 8.36)

Not adverse to the multiple remix release strategy much favoured by their ZTT label-mates, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Claudia Brucken and Thomas Leer’s Act, released a handful of different 12” remixes to promote their ‘Snobbery and Decay’ debut. This Stephen Lipson mix adds an air of frantic urgency to his already over-the-top, everything but the orchestral kitchen-sink, production.

40 – Daryl Hall and John Oates – Out Of Touch (12” Mix) (Remixed by Arthur Baker – 7.36)

This first single from Hall and Oates’ ‘Big Bam Boom’ album failed to break the UK Top 40, stalling at No.48, but it was a different story in the US, where the song hit No.1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1984. This Arthur Baker remix is a masterclass in turning a slice of white soul-boy soft-rock into a dancefloor monster – see also his work with Fleetwood Mac, Cyndi Lauper & Bruce Springsteen during the same period.

39 – Culture Club – It’s A Miracle / Miss Me Blind (US 12” Mix) (Remixed by Steve Levine – 9.08)

Considered something of a novelty at the time, this ground-breaking if somewhat clumsy, mash-up of two tracks from Culture Club’s ‘Colour By Numbers’ album, was a massive US club hit in 1984. Clocking in at over nine minutes long, it’s almost as long as Boy George’s entire period of popularity in America. Too cruel?

38 – Billy Idol – Flesh For Fantasy (Below The Belt 12” Mix) (Remixed by Gary Langan – 7.00)

Becoming the closest thing to a genuine punk-rock superstar (in the US at least) with his ‘Rebel Yell’ album and its subsequent singles, Billy Idol delivered a surprisingly innovative batch of 12” mixes between ’82 and ’88. This mix of ‘Flesh For Fantasy’ has it all – layers of crushing guitar riffs, hip-hop infused drum track and the same sexy swagger on display in INX’s ‘Need You Tonight’ - while keeping one (heavily made-up) eye on the goth-disco dancefloor .

37 – ABC – Vanity Kills (Abigail’s Party Mix) (Remixed by Martyn Webster – 5.10)

First of two ABC tracks from their ‘How To Be A Zillionaire’ album to make my list, This Martyn Webster remix further explores the sonic soundscape, so heavily influenced by Shannon’s ‘Let The Music Play’, that informs the whole album and peppers it with some well chosen dialogue samples from Mike Leigh’s gloriously camp, 70’s kitsch-fest, ‘Abigail’s Party’. ‘I promise you Ange, you’re gonna see the difference’.

36 – New Order - Fine Time (Silk Mix) (Remixed by Steve ‘Silk’ Hurley – 6.18)

As the lead single from their ‘Technique’ album, ‘Fine Time’ would receive an unlikely (and probably unwanted) accolade from PWL Hit Factory boss Pete Waterman. He declared it his favourite single of 1988, stating that it was one of the only records (besides his own presumably) that sounded completely contemporary and obviously recorded using the most up to date studio equipment available at the time. He wasn’t wrong. This Steve Hurley mix has a scuttering, restless, nervous energy, sinister pervy vocal snippets and ends with a flock of bleating sheep (presumably out on the ‘lamb’).

35 – Pet Shop Boys (feat. Dusty Springfield) – What Have I Done To Deserve This (Disco Mix) (Remixed by Shep Pettibone – 8.06)

First of two Pet Shop Boys tracks on my list. This remix of their 1987 collaboration with Dusty Springfield, discards most of the originals breezy, faux 60’s, swagger and turns up the BPM. Utilising, to great effect, every hi-energy cliché under the sun, from cowbells to the cheesiest synth hooks this side of The Boys Town Gang, Evelyn Thomas and Taffy.

34 – Bomb The Bass (feat. Lauraine) – Don’t Make Me Wait (12” Version) (Mixed by Tim Simenon and Pascal Gabriel – 6.35)

Tim Simenon had made his name creating cutting edge, sound collage dance tracks using hip hop beats and stolen samples, but he was desperate to be seen as more than a one trick pony DJ / Producer. His debut album is a patchwork of styles and includes a cover of the Bacharach and David standard ‘Say A Little Prayer’, as well as self-written tracks such as ‘Don’t Make Me Wait’. This remix perfectly exemplifies the adrenalin rush sound-clash of UK underground dance music and New York Hip Hop that would mark the beginning of DJ Culture and would see the likes of Fatboy Slim and The Chemical Brothers filling stadiums within a couple of years.

33 – Shannon – Let The Music Play (Original 12” Mix) (Mixed by Chris Barbosa and Nelson Cruz - 6.03)

Coming a good six years after Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’ , this robotic, techno infused, hip-hop dance track with soaring, soulful female vocals, may not seem like anything particularly original, but the addition of a relentless, clattering drum track, some seriously frisky percussion and crazy synth melody ad-libs, turned this into a massively influential cross-over pop hit.

32 – The Adventures – Feel The Raindrops (Extended Remix) (Remixed by Paul Hardcastle  - 4.45)

Condemned by many to the bottom of the U2 wannabe barrel, The Adventures have been lumped in with the likes of Then Jericho, The Alarm and T’Pau as 80’s Stadium Rock God Also-rans. But their debut album shows a tiny spark of potential that was almost, but not quite, reached. This unlikely remix, by their Chrysalis label mate Paul Hardcastle, gives the track a much brighter, more contemporary sparkle, adding a wonderfully uplifting middle section featuring an exposed, throbbing bass line, over laid with cut-up vocal samples.

31 – The Psychedelic Furs – Heartbeat (New York Mix) (Mixed by Keith Forsey and The Psychedelic Furs - 8.09)

Originally released as the B-side to the ‘Heaven’ single (the first track released from the ‘Mirror Moves’ album), this pumping pop/rock track later gained a solo re-release, and is now thought of as one of The Furs finest singles. This schizophrenic, frantic remix veers from gothic pomp to pure pop, with its PWL-style rolling synth drums, stuttering vocal cut-ups and ‘honking’ synthetic brass stabs.

30 – Scritti Politti – Absolute (12” Version) (Remixed by Gary Langan  - 6.11)

A dream come true opportunity to work with Arif Mardin in New York delivered some career highlights for Green Gartside and informed the overall sound of the ‘Cupid And Psyche 85’ album. This mix of ‘Absolute’, the second single from the album, begins with Gartside playfully asks ‘What do you want to hear the B-side for?’, before Gary Langan serves up a suitably cutting edge, tough and funky, mash of fairlight vocal samples, crashing drums and stuttering cut-ups.

29 – Propaganda – p.Machinery (p.Polish Mix) (Remixed by Bob Kraushaar  - 9.23)

Paul Morley and Trevor Horn’s experiment to create their own dark and twisted version of Abba, resulted in what many consider one of the best (and largely unappreciated) albums of the 80’s, Propaganda’s debut ‘A Secret Wish’. This version of the third single from the album starts with the sound of an old fashioned computer ‘dial-up’ and then builds, in typical House Of ZTT fashion, to a blistering, bombastic conclusion.

28 – Pet Shop Boys - Suburbia (The Full Horror) (Remixed by Julian Mendelsohn  - 8.55)

This was only the Pet Shop Boys fourth hit single, yet they already sound masterfully confident and gleefully willing to experiment. The ‘full horror’ mix by Julian Mendelsohn begins with the ominous sound of snarling dogs and is littered with a cacophony of explosions, breaking glass and some pretty catchy piano hooks.

27 – A-Ha – I’ve Been Losing You (12” Extended Mix) (Remixed by John ‘Jellybean’ Benitez  - 7.01)

When, on its third release, ‘Take On Me’ finally became the bands dream ticket to an international break-through, A-ha were keen to capitalise on their hard found success and promptly headed out on an enormous world tour to promote the ‘Hunting High and Low’ album. Equally anxious to maintain this momentum in their recorded output, they started recording the follow-up on the road, demoing in portable studios and recording whenever, and wherever they could. ‘Scoundrel Days’ is a patchy affair, but contains some of the bands best work in tracks such as ‘Weight Of The Wind’, ‘The Swing Of Things and the epic  title track (as well as the hits singles ‘Manhattan Skyline’ and ‘Cry Wolf’). Best of all is this first single from the album, pre-dating ‘The Living Daylights’ by a year, but sounding every inch the Bond theme, with its brass stabs, nervy percussion and dramatic false ending. This Jellybean mix turns up the groove and pushes the rhythm track to the front of the mix.

26 – Freeez - I.O.U. (Mega-Mix 12") (Remixed by John ‘Jellybean’ Benitez and John Robie  - 8.38)

This unlikely collaboration between a white jazz-funk outfit from London and Arthur Baker, the pioneering producer behind Hip Hop label Tommy Boy Records (including ground-breaking tracks by Afrika Bambaataa and Soul Sonic Force), would become one of the most influential dance/pop records of the 80’s, reaching No.2 on the UK singles chart and hitting No.1 on US Club charts in June 1983. The exhilarating mix of falsetto vocals, frantic hip hop beats and crazy fairlight vocal cut-ups still sounds incredibly fresh thirty years on.

25 – Ultravox – We Came To Dance (Extended Version) (Mixed by Geoff Emerick - 7.38)

This was the fourth Top 20 single released from the bands ‘Quartet’ album. Rather surprisingly, the album was produced by George Martin and accordingly, has a much warmer, more analogue, feel in comparison to their previous albums. This mix by Geoff Emerick strips away most of the vocal and instrumentation, and with nods to Giorgio Moroder and Kraftwerk, replaces them with a relentless, monotonous, hypnotic bass line and washes of icy synthesizer lines.

24 – Bryan Ferry – Slave To Love (Special 12” Re-Mix) (Remixed by Bob Clearmountain  - 5.56)

The Roxy Music front-man was enjoying a massive resurgence of commercial success with his sixth solo album, ‘Boys & Girls’ (his first in seven years). Stylistically similar and exuding the same brand of cool sophistication as the last Roxy Music album, ‘Avalon’, ‘Slave To Love’ was a Top 10 single in 1985. This extended mix by Bob Clearmountain starts with a crash of thunder before giving way to a languid and atmospheric Daniel Lanois-esque ambience.

23 – Soft Cell – Torch (12” Extended Version) (Mixed by Mike Thorne - 8.27)

First of two 12” singles by Marc Almond and Dave Ball on the list. Like the majority of the extended mixes produced by the band, this features some completely new verses and an extended middle section. Here we get a sung/spoken conversation between besotted fan Marc, declaring his undying love to the jaded and indifferent torch singing Diva, as voiced by Cindy Ecstasy – so let’s recap – that’s the opening gay front-man trying to seduce the tone deaf female singer, who just happened to be the bands drug dealer at the time (allegedly).

22 – Echo & The Bunnymen – Never Stop (Discotheque) (Mixed by David Balfe and The Bunnymen - 4.45)

With a slightly uncomfortable nod to the emerging electro-rock genre, as epitomised by New Order and their work with Arthur Baker and John Robie, this non-album single proved to be an interesting, if swiftly abandoned, experiment. Sequenced synthesiser lines, staccato strings, U2-esque guitar riffs and a killer xylophone hook...only in the 80’s!

21 – Sybil – My Love Is Guaranteed (PWL Pump Up The Volume 12” Mix) (Remixed by Phil Harding  - 7.38)

At the height of their success, the PWL Hit Factory team would release multiple 12” remixes for every release. The turnaround on these mixes was so fast that they were often able to ‘tip their hats’ to the big club hits of that particular moment. The logic being that DJ’s would mix their records with the ‘cooler’ club tracks and increase their exposure. This ‘Pump Up The Volume’ mix of Sybil’s No.47 hit from August 1987 is a perfect example of this. Mimicking M/A/R/R/S massive No.1 ‘Pump Up The Volume’ to great effect, It also served as a cheeky two fingered salute from Pete Waterman to the M/A/R/R/S collective, to go with the court injunction he had already served to limit the songs International release, following the discovery, within the track, of an unauthorised sample from the SAW team’s ‘Roadblock’ single.

20 – Depeche Mode – Just Can’t Get Enough (Schizo Mix) (Remixed by Daniel Miller and Depeche Mode - 6.46)

With only their second hit single Depeche Mode were already keen to prove that they were more than just a boy band who played synthesisers. This ‘Schizo’ mix of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’ strips away the pure pop exhilaration of the original and drops down into extended Kraftwerk-esque instrumental passages that transform the track into a hypnotic electro classic.

19 – ABC – Be Near Me (Munich Disco Mix) (Remixed by Martyn Webster - 4.58)

Following the commercial success of 1982’s seminal ‘Lexicon Of Love’ was proving to be an on-going nightmare for Martin Fry and Mark White. By the spring of 1985 they were still searching for that all important follow-up Top 10 hit. The first single from their forthcoming ‘How To Be A Zillionaire’ album (‘How To Be A Millionaire’) had stalled at No.49. Many assumed that its fashion-forward mix of bright electro beats, nods to Shannon’s ‘Let The Music Play’ and cartoon imagery was too much of a leap for their fanbase. ‘Be Near Me’ definitely had more in common with the lush orchestration and swooning balladry of their biggest hits, but it too failed to break the UK Top 20.This Mark Webster remix strips away all traces of the aforementioned orchestration and lays out a blistering mix of bombastic drums, Chic inspired sweeping strings, funky guitar licks and a relentless ‘That’s Right’ vocal chant.

18 – Heaven 17 – Let Me Go (Extended Mix) (Mixed by B.E.F. and Greg Walsh - 6.20)

Released as the first single from ‘The Luxury Gap’ and following a period of growing critical acclaim, ‘Let Me Go’ unexpectedly failed to break the UK Top 40, stalling at No.41 in October 1982. A curious mix of film-score chic and the white-boy funk / soul that had infused the ‘Penthouse and Pavements’ album, it stands as the creative bridge between cult success and the eventual commercial breakthrough they experienced with their next release, ‘Temptation’ (No.2 in April 1983).

17 – Visage – Visage (Original 12” Dance Mix) (Mixed by Midge Ure & Visage - 6.01)

This was the third hit from the eponymous debut album and perfectly exemplifies the euro-cool club mixes that the band had become synonymous with. Built purely to fill the dancefloors of underground New Romantic clubs and reflecting everything that was cool about the Blitz scene – outlandish fashion and make-up, the towering influence of Bowie and, obviously, chucking in a few lyrics in French.

16 – Yazoo – Nobody’s Diary (Extended Mix) (Mix by Eric Radcliffe - 6.08) / State Farm (Extended Mix) (Mix by Eric Radcliffe - 6.36)

The first double ‘A’ side entry to my list. By May 1983, Vince Clarke and Alison Moyet were nearing the end of their short, and highly successful, time together. Within a matter of months the band would release their second album (‘You & Me Both’ - No.1 in July 1983) and then promptly split up. This would be the last single released before Yazoo called it a day. ‘Nobody’s Diary’ is a poignant pop track written by Alison Moyet, while the B-side, ‘State Farm’, sees the duo returning to ‘Situation’ territory, to deliver another impossibly credible underground club track. Featuring an improbably infectious groove (considering it is the creation of a group of pasty white synth boffins from Basildon) and made complete by Moyet’s insanely funky vocal grunts and chants.

15 – Sonia – You’ll Never Stop Me Loving You (XXX Kiss Mix) (Remixed by Phil Harding  - 8.06)

Another of the SAW/PWL teams ‘sound-alike’ remixes. This time Sonia’s debut, No.1 single is given the Lil’ Louis treatment. ‘French Kiss’ was THE biggest record to break-out from the underground club scene for years and, here, Phil Harding declares his undying love and admiration for the track by re-creating the hypnotic instrumental and laying Sonia’s vocal on top. The effect is to turn the pure pop declaration of teen-love into something altogether more sinister and unnerving. My only criticism - perhaps we didn’t really need the re-created orgasmic screams from Sonia (who had just turned eighteen at the time).

14 – Elton John – I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That (Pettibone 12” Mix) (Remixed by Shep Pettibone - 7.15)

1988 saw Elton enjoying an extended period of commercial indifference in the UK. Aside from an anomalous re-issue of ‘Candle In The Wind’ reaching No.5 in January, he hadn’t scored a UK Top 10 single since ‘Nikita’ in 1985. Things were looking a lot rosier in the US. His perceived comeback album, ‘Reg Strikes Back’, hit No.16 on the US Billboard Chart (two places higher than in the UK) and the single ‘I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That’, reached No.2 on The Hot 100 (an improvement on its UK No.30 chart placing). This remix by Shep Pettibone transforms the song into a hi-energy dancefloor monster, with extended piano riffs and orchestral stabs, ending with a bemused Elton proclaiming ‘That was brilliant, what was that?’

13 – Blancmange  - Game Above My Head (Long Version) (Mixed by John Owen Williams and Blancmange - 7.14)

This is the second B-side on my list. Originally released in this ‘long version’ as the flip-side to the 12” release of ‘Waves’ (the fourth and final single released from the band’s debut album ‘Happy Families’). More stripped down and purely ‘electronic’ than most of their songs, but sharing the faintly middle eastern rhythms of their biggest hit ‘Living On The Ceiling’, this is by far the bands most interesting and experimental commercial release, pointing perhaps, to a creative road not taken.

12 – Kate Bush – Hounds Of Love (Alternative 12” Version) (Re-produced by Kate Bush - 3.48)

This 12” version is a unique addition to the list, clocking in at a mere forty five seconds longer than the original album version, but having been completely re-recorded for the 12” format. Leaving the pounding drum track intact and adding sawing strings and a simplified, almost live/one-take vocal, Kate strips back the majority of the original elements of the song to deliver a much more concise and minimalist mix. As such, it acts as a precursor to her ‘Directors Cut’ re-recording project released over twenty five years later.

11 – The Lover Speaks – Every Lovers Sign (New York Mix) (Remixed by Andy Wallace and Bruce Forest - 5.57)

Best remembered as the original artists behind Annie Lennox’s ‘No More ‘I Love You’s’’ (her cover version was a No.2 hit in February 1995) this UK duo should be credited with releasing one of the most underrated (and unheard) debut albums of the 80’s. This remix of the third single from the album beefs up the synth bass-line and rhythm track, adding much needed ‘muscle’ to the, rather weedy by comparison, original album version.

10 – Stephanie Mills – The Medicine Song (Original Mark Berry 12” Mix) (Remixed by Mark Berry - 6.40)

Most famous for her international breakthrough hit, the silky sweet ‘Never Knew Love Like This Before’ (No.4 in October 1980), the New York born soul singer had subsequently failed to crack the UK singles chart with any of her subsequent releases. By the time her 1984 ‘I’ve Got The Cure’ album was released, she had transformed into something altogether more confident and edgy. Dressed in a stylised, sexy nurses’ uniform, she delivers the sexually aggressive ‘Medicine Song’ lyric as a much more liberated, soul diva. This Mark Berry 12” mix adds to the dynamic tension already present within the song, ramping up the powerful synth stabs, rolling drum loops and some seriously sexy vocal ad-libs...’Mama’s gonna give you some medicine...I got the cure!’

9 – Simple Minds – Speed Your Love To Me (12” Version) (Remixed by Steve Lillywhite  - 7.29)

In 1983/1984 Steve Lillywhite had fingers in a couple of very profitable pies, as he nurtured a production monopoly over two of the UK’s biggest International rock exports, U2 and Simple Minds. His work on U2’s ‘War’ had acted as the perfect template for the sonic landscape that Jim Kerr and the Simple Minds camp had been hoping to map as they moved from ‘New Gold Dream 81 82 83 84’ to ‘Sparkle In The Rain’. ‘Speed Your Love To Me’ was the second single released ahead of the album (following ‘Waterfront’ - which had just matched the No.13 peak of their previous biggest hit, ‘Promised You A Miracle). This Steve Lillywhite extended remix kicks off by elevating Kirsty MacColl’s ethereal backing vocals to front and center of the track, adding breaks of thunderous driving drums, clattering percussion and an air of thrilling urgency, not to mention a ‘before it’s time’ chill out coda of whispering guitar chords and backward drum loops.

8 – Altered Images – I Could Be Happy (12” Dance Mix) (Remixed by Martin Rushent - 5.39)

Following their breakout hit, ‘Happy Birthday’, this was another Top 10 hit for the Scottish pop stars in December 1981. Produced by Martin Rushent during the same period he was working with The Human League. Here, he applies many of the same dub techniques he had so successfully employed to extend and re-model the biggest hits from ‘Dare’. Rushent transforms the track into a throbbing, joyous, rollercoaster ride of jangly guitar riffs, chimes and cut-up vocal samples. The mix was so beloved by the band that it was this version that appeared on the ‘Pinky Blue’ album instead of the three minute radio mix.

7 – Depeche Mode – Route 66 (Beatmasters Mix) (Remixed by The Beatmasters - 6.20)

This track was the B-side to ‘Music For The Masses’ third single ‘Behind The Wheel’. Chuck Berry’s rock ‘n’ roll classic may seem like a curious choice of song to cover for the UK synth-pop pioneers, but as they moved further into darker and, what would initially appear to be, less commercial territory, they had something to prove. Like the album’s title, this cover version was meant as an ironic, tongue in cheek, challenge to the expectations of the bands very vocal critics and doubters. This was the sound of a band having fun. Remixed by The Beatmasters (who were carving out a very lucrative career for themselves, delivering hit 7” radio mixes for the likes of The Shamen, Betty Boo and as artists in their own right). A driving guitar hook (pun intended) pushes the track forward, punctuated with vocal snippets from vintage US TV game shows all adding up to one of the quirkiest and unlikely additions to the list.

 6 - Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Two Tribes (Carnage) (Mixed by Stephen Lipson - 7.54)

Repeating the No.1 success of ‘Relax, this epic second single from ‘Welcome To The Pleasuredome’ would prolong its stay atop the UK singles chart with the staggered release of several remixes, spread across multiple 12” singles. While ‘Annihilation’ is considered by many as the definitive ‘Two Tribes’ remix, I always preferred ‘Carnage’. This Stephen Lipson mix takes Frankie back to where they belong – the dancefloor. Starting with a ubiquitously epic, orchestral fanfare, it borrows the pumping bass line from its predecessor and throws in a few samples of an orchestra falling down a flight of stairs for added drama. Peppered with the ominous ‘This Is The Last Voice You Will Ever Hear’ public announcements and the ‘My Name Is...’ introductions from the more laddish element of the band - this is Frankie, simultaneously, at their most provocative and most playful. Well ‘ard!

5 – Donna Summer – I Feel Love (Patrick Cowley Mega Mix) (Remixed by Patrick Cowley - 15.45)

The original version of ‘I Feel Love’ would lay the foundation on which was built the next thirty years of dance music (from Disco to EDM and everything in-between). Giorgio Moroder’s pulsing bass and sequenced synth lines would change the perception of synthesisers and all electronic music in general. Prising it out of the cold white hands of the German boffins (who were using it to make interesting noises on their pocket calculators) and leading it out onto the world’s dancefloors, to be embraced by the clambering, white-suited, masses. This Patrick Cowley ‘Mega-Mix’ was released a mere five years after the original (in 1982), and stands as a 12” remix master-class to rival the ‘Young Person’s Guide To The Twelve Inch’ mix of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s ‘Rage Hard’. At nearly sixteen minutes long, it’s by far the longest track on my list. Throwing everything a modern recording studio has to offer at it, the mix is bursting at the seams with sound-effects and crazy synthesiser solos. Desperate to maintain the hypnotic groove of the original, Cowley isn’t afraid to strip away the newly added layers, to leave the solitary, mesmerising bassline, front and center on several occasions during its extended running time. Disco Heaven!

4 – The Associates – Club Country (12” Extended Version) (Mixed by Mike Hedges & The Associates - 6.45)

Dundee acts as the unlikely backdrop for the birth of one of the brightest, but tragically short lived, 80’s pop careers. After years of experimental noodling and arty posing, Alan Rankin and Billy Mackenzie, had finally started to break into the mainstream with ‘Party Fears Two’ in February 1982. The otherworldly euphoria and widescreen drama of that track was matched, if not bettered, by its follow-up, ‘Club Country’, only a matter of months later. From its extended, thundering drum intro, to the sweeping synth-strings, all coated with layers of exquisitely unique vocals from Mackenzie, it’s a master-class in alternative pop - 80’s style. They were never to trouble the UK Top 20 singles chart again.

3 – The Human League – The Sound Of The Crowd (12” Version) (Remixed by Martin Rushent - 6.28)

It was make or break for The Human League in 1981. They had signed to Virgin Records in 1979, but had failed to deliver any hits. When the band imploded and split into two factions, it looked like it was all over. Front-man Phil Oakey had other ideas, and began to formulate a masterplan to become Sheffield’s answer to Abba. He met and recruited two teenage girls to act as backing singer/dancers, whisked them away on a European tour and in the process something miraculous happened (beside the non-involvement of Child Services). Their first single as The Human League Mk.2 (‘Boys & Girls’) failed to break the UK Top 40 and it’s rumoured that Virgin delivered an ultimatum - ‘The next one makes the Top 10, or you’re dropped’. Well it didn’t quite make it, ‘The Sound Of The Crowd’ reached No.12 in May 1981, but in just over six months the band would have the UK Christmas No.1 and hit the No.1 spot on the US Billboard Hot 100 with ‘Don’t You Want Me’. That song would bring them their biggest UK and US success, while also delivering a bottomless royalty-cheque retirement plan for Oakey / Callis / Adrian Wright, This Martin Rushent remix set the tone for much of the bands early 80’s output. Built for the dancefloor (it was colour coded as ‘Red’ to prove it), it’s a joyride of warped synth melody lines, stuttering drum machines and ecstatic chanting vocals.

2 – Sister Sledge – Lost In Music (Special 1984 Nile Rodgers Remix) (Remixed by Nile Rodgers - 6.37)

This may be considered cheating, as the original version of the Philadelphia born siblings finest moment was released in August 1979, but this remix and 12” release came during a second wave of interest for their, Chic produced, ‘We Are Family’ album. Three of the four original singles from the album were Top 40 hits again in 1984, with ‘Lost In Music’ being the biggest, reaching No.4. This mix was completed during the same period that the Chic boys were remixing ‘The Reflex’ for Duran Duran, hence the inclusion of Simon Le Bon and Andy Taylor on backing vocals and the same use of cut-up vocals and sampled ad-libs on the remix. ‘Melody is good to me’ indeed!

1 – Soft Cell – Bedsitter (Extended Mix) (Mix by Mike Thorne - 7.50)/ Facility Girls (Extended Mix) (Mix by Mike Thorne - 7.15)

Second on my list from Soft Cell, and my favourite 12” of the 80’s. For me this was always a double ‘A’ side. The extended version of ‘Bedsitter’ (subtitled ‘Early Morning Dance Side’ on the back of the single) paints an extra thick, even darker, smudge of eyeliner over the already sordid tale of 24 hour party people living on the poverty line – dancing, drinking and loving away their troubles. On the flip side ‘Facility Girls’ (subtitled ‘Late Night Listening Side’) stretches the original two minute and twenty one seconds running time into a seven minute epic tale of young lovers, struggling to stay afloat as they face the pitfalls of their mundane jobs and the trials of everyday life. Filled with more kitchen sink drama than your average Homebase.

‘Only God Forgives’ 

: the new fragrance by Nicolas Winding Refn

The facts are these: Ryan Gosling is a beautiful man. He has incredible integrity as an actor. He possesses the same easy physicality that made Harrison Ford one of the biggest movie stars of the 70’s and 80’s. A little bit of pee comes out every time I let myself believe that the casting rumours about JJ Abrams’ ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ might be true. He has an understanding of technique and the acting process that makes Daniel Day Lewis look like Dev from ‘Coronation Street’. I have no doubt that one day he will do ‘full retard’ and bag himself the Oscar. If I was Nicolas Winding Refn I too, would want to spend as much time with Ryan Gosling as possible. I’d set up meetings to discuss our fantasy projects, I would spend every waking hour making sure that Ryan got whatever Ryan wanted. My year would look like this - three months scraping together the funding, three months of shooting, three months editing it all together and another three months promoting it around the world...just in time to head back to Ryan’s pad in LA to start the whole process again...’it seems silly to have my own place when there is so much room in your apartment Ryan’ I’d say. By my calculation that leaves exactly no time at all, to actually write a decent script and herein lies the problem.

‘Only God Forgives’ is a relentlessly bleak and sordid revenge tale that, once it has grabbed hold, drags you on a terrifying journey through the criminal underworld of Bangkok and doesn’t let go until everyone is, literally, screaming for their mummy . It has brutal sexual murders, prostitution, hard drugs, limb amputation and the worst acupuncture session scene since Derek Jarman’s ‘St Sebastian’.  What it doesn’t have is much of a script.

Don’t get me wrong, there is some pretty terrific dialog in there – mostly delivered by Kristen Scott Thomas’s Crystal - mother to Ryan Gosling’s character, Julian and his wayward older brother, Billy. Here is a role that will inevitably bring heaps of praise for Scott Thomas and will undoubtedly rank as one of her finest creations. Crystal is ruthless. She will do anything to avenge the death of her first born son, even if it means sacrificing his younger sibling. Her relationship with her children is so impossibly twisted that she makes Rose West look like Maria Von Trapp.  If this was ‘Sophie’s Choice’, Crystal wouldn’t choose either of her kids, she’d swap them both for a nice leopard skin bra top and an upgrade to first class on the way home instead.  She’s Peggy Mitchell channelling Bette Davis in ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’, but with a better wardrobe and a really potty mouth.

What Nicolas Winding Refn has created is something truly spectacular and mesmerising to look at – much like Mr Gosling himself – but it all adds up to little more than the most bloody and brutal after shave commercial you’ve ever seen - ‘Only God Forgives’ by Calvin Klein.

A real acquired taste, and as such, I have a weird feeling that this perfume might smell a bit like black pudding, with a faint after-note of disappointment.

Originally written 03/08/13