Coronation Street - 'Let's Get Ready To Crumble' 

or 'How Karl, literally, wiped the floor with Dev'

Friday nights double ‘Coronation Street’ saw the dramatic conclusion to the storyline that’s been simmering away on the back burner since Karl Munro torched The Rovers back in March, leaving Sunita Alahan and Paul The Fireman’s best mate, Random Firewoman Person, looking like the carbonised bread crumbs lurking in that little drawer at the bottom of your toaster.

As soap luck would have it. the action unfolded  on the very day that Karl had finally managed to persuade the long suffering Stella to let him take her up the aisle – not as painful as it sounds, their turbulent relationship has seen Stella show Karl the (back) door on several occasions.  (Apologies, some ‘Carry On’ jokes seem to have spilled over from another article involving ‘Soap Legend’ Barbra Windsor) .

It’s fair to say that Karl (played by John Michie) and Dev (played by Jimmi Harkishin) have very different acting styles, in that Karl can and Dev really, really can’t...What transpired was like watching a master-class – not in acting, more like in joinery...Poor Karl. Dev’s acting is so wooden, what should have been a National Soap Award grabbing showdown, turned out to be more like watching Karl sweep the floor of The Rovers with a broom handle made up to look like Dev.  Let’s be clear about this, John Michie isn't Scottish but he spent a good ten years convincingly rolling his ‘R’s around the streets of Glasgow saying “Therrrrrre’s bin a murrrderrrr” in ‘Taggart’ before he reverted to a Manc drawl to join ‘The Street’ a couple of years back. Dev on the other hand has relied on a style I like to call ‘gracious old lady acting’, which involves him looking bashfully around whatever scene he is in, making no eye contact with anyone and adding a camp flourish of upward intonation to every line. Think a Bollywood Lady Bracknell meets Miss Bertha from ‘Acorn Antiques’ and you’re almost there. The script writers saw a way out and, after a few excruciating scenes where Dev seemed to be channelling Hannibal Lecter to convey menace,  they used the old ‘sh*t-actor-in-coma-during-dramatic-scenes’ ploy (first fully utilised during their first ‘live’ episode when hospital bed-ridden Vera Duckworth slipped into unconsciousness at the start of the episode, only to wake up just before the credits rolled) by having Karl knock Dev out with an unfeasibly sturdy bottle of whiskey applied briskly to the side of his head. Not that it was all Dev’s fault. His delivery doesn’t help, but some of the lines he was given were so obtuse and cryptic, I thought I was watching an Eric Cantona press conference. “When the hot pot makes its journey to The Cabin, it’s because Audrey’s is fully booked and the Bistro has run out of olives”. I’m not even going to go into the story writing process that came up with Karl dragging hostage Stella into the cellar – did they do it just ‘cos they liked the little rhyme? With writing this poor, it’s no wonder Michelle Collins announced recently that, early next year, she is leaving Weatherfield for good. Her screams of “If you’re going to kill me, kill me” may just have been an adlibbed cry for help.

 Highlights for me included Jason Grimshaw manfully dragging the half conscious Dev out of the warm, dry comfort of The Rovers bar floor and unceremoniously dropping him into a massive puddle on the rain soaked cobbles outside the pub. To be fair, Jason may have been distracted by Owen wearing an identical tight black t-shirt in what might be the most surprising edition of ‘Fashion Police’s’ favourite game, ‘Bitch Stole My Look’.

Elsewhere in the episodes, Faye’s new  BFF, Grace, revealed herself to be a member of Weatherfield’s very own Bling Ring – if I was Cilla Black or Dale Winton, I’d be making doubly sure the extension doors were locked before I headed out to the ‘Stepping Out’ Live Finale in a couple of weeks time.  And in a pathetic attempt to pull in younger viewers, Corrie writers appeared to have Dev change his Facebook status to ‘nearly dead’ to alert the rest of The Street to his plight....Grace was later seen tweeting  #getsomeactinglessonsloser

Now I did look away for a moment, but during the Karl V’s Dev showdown I think ITV1 slipped in a cheeky trailer for their new dramatisation of ‘The Simon Cowell Story’, all I heard was “Sinitta, Sinitta, Sinitta, change the record pal. That woman never knew the meaning of love, or loyalty, or self-respect for that matter”. I’ll definitely be tuning in for that.

The whole episode made me crave for the good old days when ‘Eastenders’ was in its heyday (post Mary The Punk, pre Moon’s) when they revelled in the opportunity to pull out ‘The Two Hander’ - two characters stretching out over the entire running time of the episode and acting, ACTING, ACTING!  Whether it was Den and Ange, or Dot and that woman who now plays one of the old women in the Wonga.com ads (previous roles include knitting ‘Shreddies’ – have you tasted them? They're definitely made out of wool). The sad thing is, ‘Coronation Street’ has the talent. Who wouldn’t want to watch a full half hour of Roy and Hayley come to terms with her current, heartbreaking, story-line, or Leanne and Carla spending 22 minutes explaining to us all what it is that they see in Peter ‘Whiskey Sour’ Barlow. The nearest ‘Corrie’ gets to a ‘Two Hander’ these days,  is Eva’s ample chest...described by Karl’s Best Man ,Tez, in the best line of the episode, as looking like a “dead heat in a zeppelin race”.