‘It’s A Nice Day For A Red Wedding’
or ‘Why I believe Alexis Carrington deserves a seat on the Iron Throne’
For those of you who haven’t seen it, or don’t bother to watch serialised television
in it’s natural habitat i.e. serialised on television, this week’s ‘Game Of
Thrones’ was an incredible high point in, what can only be described as, an over-achieving,
‘raising the bar’ Season 3.
The episode was called ‘The Rains Of Castamere’, but those
au fait with the George R R Martin source material (of which i am not) have
been giggling & whispering smugly about it behind our backs since the show
launched a couple of years ago, referring to it knowingly as ‘The Red Wedding’.
Not because the centre piece of the
wedding banquet was a mountain of delicious (& bang on-trend) red velvet
cup-cakes or the bridesmaids were decked out, in a
vision of slutty inappropriateness, in matching scarlet puff-sleeved big fat gypsy
wedding dresses, no, it is known as ‘The Red Wedding’ because virtually all the
guests end up lying in pools of their own blood after spraying fountains of
‘the red stuff’ from massive gapping slits in their throats.
Now this rang some very loud (wedding) bells with me & i
was whisked back in time to another TV union that ended in death, destruction
&, more importantly, higher viewing figures.
Like ‘Game of Thrones’, ‘Dynasty’ was at the top of it’s
game when ‘The Moldavian Massacre’ aired as the climax to it’s Season 5 finale
in 1986 Both shows feature feuding
families, power struggles & a pair of old dragons (come on! Joan was
already pushing 70 back then). Although
the settings couldn’t be more different, ‘Game Of Thrones’ blood bath
unravelled in the dingy cellar of some re-claimed National Trust Heritage site,
while the union of Prince Michael of Moldavia & Amanda Bedford (Alexis
& Blake’s secret love-child no less!) took place in a sun-drenched LA
studio back-lot given a Euro-makeover by hanging up a few strings of onions
& drafting in every out of work actor in Hollywood, who looked ‘a bit foreign’, to sit on the grooms side or act as waiting
staff. In both cases, what unfolded
condemned a pair of exotic beauties with ‘just stepped out of the salon’,
‘because we’re worth it’ hair, to their respective fates, motionless & left
for dead as the end titles rolled. In the case of ‘Game Of Thrones’ Talisa of
Valantis (main character Robb Starks’ pregnant bride played by Oona Chaplin), her
time under the dryer was over, while Michael Praed lived to blow wave another
day as ‘Dynasty’s’ Prince Michael of
Moldavia.
Now i seem to have veered off topic a little, but here are
the main lessons to be learned when attending a future ‘Game of Thrones’
wedding (or similar social gathering):
1 - if one of the guests turns up wearing chain mail armour
under their best clobber, the first dance isn’t likely to be ‘Lady In Red’ by
Chris De Burgh (although that does seem strangely appropriate in this case),
it’s more likely to be something a bit scary by Slayer of Cradle of Filth.
2 – PDA’s (Public Displays of Affection) are ill advised –
especially if the person your snogging is not one of the daughters of the host
whom you vowed to marry a couple of years earlier.
3 - Never eat the salt & bread snacks laid on at a
paying bar –it may be customary & a traditional sign of allegiance, but
they are really only trying to get you to drink more. Besides, i’m never
convinced that a ‘now wash your hands’ sign in the gents is enough at this kind
of buffet event.
4 – if you look over & someone from Coldplay is in the
wedding band, it’s time to leave – but that might just be a good rule of thumb
for any social event.
It’s in circumstances like these & with shows like this,
that i see the real value, & pleasure, in watching TV, on TV, once a
week. The build-up, the ritual of ‘Event
TV’ & then seven days to recover from the WTF just happened! Binge-watching box-sets & streaming
multiple episodes of TV shows is all well & good, but it feels a bit like
stashing two tubes of Pringles & a bag of M&M’s in your bedroom, rather
than sitting down & having a proper meal.
Some things are worth savouring & sometimes a little bit of
anticipation is as much a part of the eventual pleasure. Oh! by
the way, good luck avoiding spoilers all
you Box-Setters (& those who have moral objections to watching Sky TV or
illegal downloads), only eight months ‘til the ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 3 DVD
box-set gets released!
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