Why ‘The Bake Off’ team should learn a thing or two from Kick Ass and Hit Girl.

I almost didn’t go to see ‘Kick Ass 2’ this week. The reviews have been largely negative, with many heralding the return of the ‘Piss Poor Sequel’.

The law of diminishing returns argument, cemented by seventies franchises like ‘Jaws’ ‘Superman’ and the 1990’s incarnation of ‘Batman’, has been on shaky ground in the past few years. Creative quality drops have not necessarily resulted in corresponding box office declines. Outside the horror genre, where creative quality control might be considered less important (and in the case of the ‘Saw’ franchise – an alien concept), the pressure to deliver ‘bigger and better’ has meant that budgets have gone up, while the press reactions have generally gotten worse. Big budget franchises such as ‘Iron Man’, ‘Sherlock Holmes’, ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and ‘Transformers’ continue to deliver review-proof box office numbers, despite the general consensus that as the title pre-fix numbers go up, the movies get steadily worse.

Like its titular main character ‘Kick Ass’ was a seven stone weakling in comparison to the bulked up superhero competition (‘Iron Man 2’, ‘Thor’, ‘Captain America’ and ‘X-Men: First Class’) kicking sand in his face at the box office in 2010/11. But his special powers were pretty simple: he obviously wasn’t real, but, to his target audience, he was pretty relatable. The beating that ‘Kick Ass 2’ has been dealt by movie reviewers in the dark alleyways of the British Press, have focused on the fact that it’s impossible to capture that ‘lightening-in-a-bottle’ freshness and originality twice. So how do you solve a problem like Hit Girl growing up? I say - Let her! Despite an almost complete overhaul of the key creative team, the sequel successfully re-captured the frantic pace, and knowing ‘geek-friendly’ tone of the original, dropping its fair share of F (and C) Bombs along the way, but allowing its narrative and main characters to develop in a satisfying manner. I believed the story arcs in this movie more than those on display in recent clunk-fests ‘The Wolverine’ and ‘Man of Steel’. Not everything works, but the original didn’t hit bullseye with every ninja star either. ‘Kick Ass’ definitely set out to shock with a (then) thirteen year old Chloe Grace Moretz using the ‘C’ word in one of her introductory scenes, but  I’m not sure that I believe in rape jokes being played for laughs or fifteen year old girls being forced to watch Union J videos unprotected, But I can believe that there are just as many heinous crimes being committed by gangs of Kardashian inspired Mean Girls in the high school gymnasiums of middle America as there are by organised crime gangs in downtown L.A. and I’m happy to watch Hit Girl give those Heathers a good poke with her ‘Sick Stick’. I’m glad they made a sequel and I’d happily give round three a shot, but I fear I may be kicking that ass on my own.

Also returning this week, following a similarly tried and tested formula, was ‘The Great British Bake Off’. Series four kicked off with an equally shocking barrage of C-words...it was ‘Cake this’ and ‘Cake that’ for the full hours running time! Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood held court over a new batch of inductees, a baker’s dozen no less, who will endeavour to serve up a cornucopia of baked delights over the next few months.

The ‘Bake Off’ franchise may be proving a little more robust than ‘Kick Ass’, but I for one would love to see it branch out a bit, exploit different revenue streams and get a bit more creative with its merchandise. Maybe a graphic novel where Mary (Superhero alter-ego – Fondant Fancy) and Paul (aka Bread Reckoning) recruit their own crime-fighting team, ‘Bakers League of Britain’, is a little too far-fetched. But who wouldn’t want to see Paul face off against a retired Civil Servant (‘I’d bake 24/7 but I’m a slave to Foccacia, my King Charles / Border Collie cross’) with the battle cry ‘You’ll be sprinkling your Pumpernickel with your own nut-flour if I don’t see a healthy rise’ or Mary telling some sad-sack amateur baker / nursery school teacher to ‘shove her wet ingredients up her muffin pans’ in wonderful, full colour illustrations. Maybe I'm on my own for that one too...

The Top 50 Best 12” Singles of the 80’s (Stewart Allan Extended Remix)

Inspired by the recent article in Classic Pop Magazine: Issue No.6, where, after a fraught vinyl fuelled lock-in session with several key contributors, a countdown of the Top 50 Best 12” Singles of the 80’s was finally completed. As soon as I found out their list, I started thinking about my own. To my surprise only one track featured in both our Top 50’s – John ‘Tokes’ Potoker’s ‘Sussudio’ remix for Phil Collins. To avoid cries of plagiarism, I swapped it out for my 51st favourite 12” instead. Hope you enjoy reading the list as much as I’ve enjoyed compiling it...I’ve shown you mine, now you show me yours...

50 – Morgan McVey – Looking Good Diving With The Wild Bunch (feat. Neneh Cherry) (12” Mix) (Remixed by The Wild Bunch – 4.10)

The first 12” on my list has such a complicated family tree it probably deserves its own episode of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ Ok, here goes...deep breath...a manufactured pop duo comprising of Jamie Morgan and Cameron Mcvey, with links to the UK Buffalo fashion scene, release ‘Looking Good Diving’, a throw away pop/dance track produced by Stock Aitken Waterman. It disappears without trace, but this B-side, featuring a then unknown Neneh Cherry and re-titled ‘Looking Good Diving With The Wild Bunch’, is a ground-breaking remix by The Wild Bunch (a Bristol based collective of trip hop musicians and DJ’s including Massive Attack’s, Mushroom). This remix would, in turn, be remixed and remodelled by Bomb The Bass’ Tim Simenon to become the basis for ‘Buffalo Stance’, Neneh Cherry’s breakthrough No.3 single from 1988. Cameron Mcvey went on to produce Massive Attack’s ‘Blue Lines’, All Saints’ eponymous debut and two albums by, two different incarnations of, The Sugababes.

49 – Dollar – Hand Held In Black And White (Extended Version) (Mixed by Trevor Horn – 5.05)

The first of several Trevor Horn related 12”s on my list. Pop duo David Van Day and Thereza Bazar had a whole other career in the late 1970’s, firstly as part of Guys and Dolls, and then latterly as Dollar. Hits such as ‘Who Were You With In The Moonlight’ and ‘Shooting Star’ were squeaky clean, MOR, radio fodder that placed them neatly alongside Brotherhood of Man and The Nolans at the church hall disco. Horn masterminded a pure pop resurrection that saw the band transformed into something so manufactured they probably should have changed their names to Barbie and Ken. ‘Hand Held In Black & White’ is included here, not only for its perfect pop credentials, but also for the fact that it was pressed on a white vinyl 12” with an oversized picture label.

48 – Paul Young – Come Back And Stay (12” Version) (Remixed by Laurie Latham – 7.31)

‘Wherever I Lay My Hat’ sat atop the UK singles chart for three weeks in the summer of 1983 and it would kickstart a decade long string of UK and US chart hits for Paul and his regular band of musicians. This follow-up single, written by Jack Lee (who’s most famous composition, ‘Hanging On The Telephone’, had been covered by Blondie, providing them with a Top 5 hit in 1978) best exemplifies the quirky covers and chaotic productions that turned the ‘No Parlez’ album into a multi-platinum success. This remix is firmly dated in the 80’s thanks to the trademarked Pino Palladino bass sound and distinctive Laurie Latham production.

47 – Monsoon – Ever So Lonely (12” Version) (Mixed by Hugh Jones and Steve Coe – 6.20)

The mix of contemporary UK dance flavours and traditional Indian musicians proved to be an enticing, exotic novelty and delivered a No.12 hit for backroom production wizard Steve Coe and vocalist Sheila Chandra in April 1982. Chandra would continue to plough her world music furrow for decades to come, recording several credible and critically acclaimed albums for Peter Gabriel’s Real World label.

46 – Janet Jackson – The Pleasure Principle (Long Vocal 12” Remix) (Remixed by Shep Pettibone – 7.27)

Released as the twenty third single from the ‘Control’ album (only another ten or so to go), ‘The Pleasure Principle’ was given several remixes by, man of the moment, Shep Pettibone. It kicks off with a cheeky cut-up vocal sample of Janet’s ‘I’ll Be Worth The Wait’ tease from ‘Let’s Wait Awhile’ (the twenty second single from  the ‘Control’ album) and mirrors his electro pulse tinged remixes for the likes of Madonna’s ‘Express Yourself’ and Kim Wilde’s ‘You Came’.

45 – OMD – If You Leave (Extended Version) (Mixed by Tom Lord Alge – 6.04)

A much bigger hit in the US than the UK (No.48 here, No.4 over there) after it featured in the climactic scenes of John Hughes’ ‘Pretty In Pink. It has since attained ‘cult’ status, becoming as synonymous with the decade as Simple Minds’ ‘(Don’t You) Forget About Me’ (which had topped the US charts the previous year after featuring in ‘The Breakfast Club’) slipping so completely into American pop culture that it now acts as an instant eighties nostalgia trigger. It was also the song that was actually playing when ‘Modern Family’s’ Phil and Claire Dunphy first got together at their high school prom (rather than Claire misremembering it as ‘True’ by Spandau Ballet  – apologies to Izzy Lafontaine).

44 – Spandau Ballet – I’ll Fly For You (12” Glide Mix) (Mixed by Tony Swain, Steve Jolley and Spandau Ballet – 7.13)

The third single from their ‘Parade’ album, ‘I’ll Fly For You’ is given a radical remix in the form of this breezy, prototype chill-out mix by Swain and Jolley. Stripping away virtually all the original instrumentation, replacing it with a laid back, shimmering groove and half whispered, half sung vocals.

43 – Fine Young Cannibals – Good Thing (Nothing Like The Single Mix) (Mixed by Fine Young Cannibals – 4.38)

Riding high on the wave of success created by ‘She Drives Me Crazy’ and its parent album ‘The Raw and the Cooked’, the Birmingham three-piece released ‘Good Thing’ as the second single from the project. Like its predecessor, It would reach No.1 on the US Billboard Hot 100. This remix does exactly what it says on the tin and throws away most of the album versions exuberant, pseudo 60’s, rockabilly vibe and drags it kicking and screaming, all the way to Madchester. Applying the same rhythmic shuffle that would come to epitomise The Stone Roses sound – their eponymous debut was released in the very same month as this remix – the track is given a far more contemporary and cutting edge feel.

42 – Stephen ‘Tin Tin’ Duffy – Kiss Me (Original 12” Version) (Remixed by Francois Kevorkian – 7.28)

This mix of ‘Kiss Me’ pre-dates, by a couple of years, the J.J. Jeczalik mix that delivered a Top 5 hit in March 1985. Mixed by Francois Kevorkian, it was an anomalously massive underground club hit in the Midlands in 1983 (no really!) It has the same hypnotic groove as Steve Hurley’s ‘Jack Your Body’ and some really cool vocal outtakes where Mr Duffy fails to hit the required high notes and trails off in groans of frustration.

41 – Act – Snobbery And Decay (Extended, For Stephanie Beecham) (Mixed by Stephen Lipson – 8.36)

Not adverse to the multiple remix release strategy much favoured by their ZTT label-mates, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Claudia Brucken and Thomas Leer’s Act, released a handful of different 12” remixes to promote their ‘Snobbery and Decay’ debut. This Stephen Lipson mix adds an air of frantic urgency to his already over-the-top, everything but the orchestral kitchen-sink, production.

40 – Daryl Hall and John Oates – Out Of Touch (12” Mix) (Remixed by Arthur Baker – 7.36)

This first single from Hall and Oates’ ‘Big Bam Boom’ album failed to break the UK Top 40, stalling at No.48, but it was a different story in the US, where the song hit No.1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1984. This Arthur Baker remix is a masterclass in turning a slice of white soul-boy soft-rock into a dancefloor monster – see also his work with Fleetwood Mac, Cyndi Lauper & Bruce Springsteen during the same period.

39 – Culture Club – It’s A Miracle / Miss Me Blind (US 12” Mix) (Remixed by Steve Levine – 9.08)

Considered something of a novelty at the time, this ground-breaking if somewhat clumsy, mash-up of two tracks from Culture Club’s ‘Colour By Numbers’ album, was a massive US club hit in 1984. Clocking in at over nine minutes long, it’s almost as long as Boy George’s entire period of popularity in America. Too cruel?

38 – Billy Idol – Flesh For Fantasy (Below The Belt 12” Mix) (Remixed by Gary Langan – 7.00)

Becoming the closest thing to a genuine punk-rock superstar (in the US at least) with his ‘Rebel Yell’ album and its subsequent singles, Billy Idol delivered a surprisingly innovative batch of 12” mixes between ’82 and ’88. This mix of ‘Flesh For Fantasy’ has it all – layers of crushing guitar riffs, hip-hop infused drum track and the same sexy swagger on display in INX’s ‘Need You Tonight’ - while keeping one (heavily made-up) eye on the goth-disco dancefloor .

37 – ABC – Vanity Kills (Abigail’s Party Mix) (Remixed by Martyn Webster – 5.10)

First of two ABC tracks from their ‘How To Be A Zillionaire’ album to make my list, This Martyn Webster remix further explores the sonic soundscape, so heavily influenced by Shannon’s ‘Let The Music Play’, that informs the whole album and peppers it with some well chosen dialogue samples from Mike Leigh’s gloriously camp, 70’s kitsch-fest, ‘Abigail’s Party’. ‘I promise you Ange, you’re gonna see the difference’.

36 – New Order - Fine Time (Silk Mix) (Remixed by Steve ‘Silk’ Hurley – 6.18)

As the lead single from their ‘Technique’ album, ‘Fine Time’ would receive an unlikely (and probably unwanted) accolade from PWL Hit Factory boss Pete Waterman. He declared it his favourite single of 1988, stating that it was one of the only records (besides his own presumably) that sounded completely contemporary and obviously recorded using the most up to date studio equipment available at the time. He wasn’t wrong. This Steve Hurley mix has a scuttering, restless, nervous energy, sinister pervy vocal snippets and ends with a flock of bleating sheep (presumably out on the ‘lamb’).

35 – Pet Shop Boys (feat. Dusty Springfield) – What Have I Done To Deserve This (Disco Mix) (Remixed by Shep Pettibone – 8.06)

First of two Pet Shop Boys tracks on my list. This remix of their 1987 collaboration with Dusty Springfield, discards most of the originals breezy, faux 60’s, swagger and turns up the BPM. Utilising, to great effect, every hi-energy cliché under the sun, from cowbells to the cheesiest synth hooks this side of The Boys Town Gang, Evelyn Thomas and Taffy.

34 – Bomb The Bass (feat. Lauraine) – Don’t Make Me Wait (12” Version) (Mixed by Tim Simenon and Pascal Gabriel – 6.35)

Tim Simenon had made his name creating cutting edge, sound collage dance tracks using hip hop beats and stolen samples, but he was desperate to be seen as more than a one trick pony DJ / Producer. His debut album is a patchwork of styles and includes a cover of the Bacharach and David standard ‘Say A Little Prayer’, as well as self-written tracks such as ‘Don’t Make Me Wait’. This remix perfectly exemplifies the adrenalin rush sound-clash of UK underground dance music and New York Hip Hop that would mark the beginning of DJ Culture and would see the likes of Fatboy Slim and The Chemical Brothers filling stadiums within a couple of years.

33 – Shannon – Let The Music Play (Original 12” Mix) (Mixed by Chris Barbosa and Nelson Cruz - 6.03)

Coming a good six years after Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’ , this robotic, techno infused, hip-hop dance track with soaring, soulful female vocals, may not seem like anything particularly original, but the addition of a relentless, clattering drum track, some seriously frisky percussion and crazy synth melody ad-libs, turned this into a massively influential cross-over pop hit.

32 – The Adventures – Feel The Raindrops (Extended Remix) (Remixed by Paul Hardcastle  - 4.45)

Condemned by many to the bottom of the U2 wannabe barrel, The Adventures have been lumped in with the likes of Then Jericho, The Alarm and T’Pau as 80’s Stadium Rock God Also-rans. But their debut album shows a tiny spark of potential that was almost, but not quite, reached. This unlikely remix, by their Chrysalis label mate Paul Hardcastle, gives the track a much brighter, more contemporary sparkle, adding a wonderfully uplifting middle section featuring an exposed, throbbing bass line, over laid with cut-up vocal samples.

31 – The Psychedelic Furs – Heartbeat (New York Mix) (Mixed by Keith Forsey and The Psychedelic Furs - 8.09)

Originally released as the B-side to the ‘Heaven’ single (the first track released from the ‘Mirror Moves’ album), this pumping pop/rock track later gained a solo re-release, and is now thought of as one of The Furs finest singles. This schizophrenic, frantic remix veers from gothic pomp to pure pop, with its PWL-style rolling synth drums, stuttering vocal cut-ups and ‘honking’ synthetic brass stabs.

30 – Scritti Politti – Absolute (12” Version) (Remixed by Gary Langan  - 6.11)

A dream come true opportunity to work with Arif Mardin in New York delivered some career highlights for Green Gartside and informed the overall sound of the ‘Cupid And Psyche 85’ album. This mix of ‘Absolute’, the second single from the album, begins with Gartside playfully asks ‘What do you want to hear the B-side for?’, before Gary Langan serves up a suitably cutting edge, tough and funky, mash of fairlight vocal samples, crashing drums and stuttering cut-ups.

29 – Propaganda – p.Machinery (p.Polish Mix) (Remixed by Bob Kraushaar  - 9.23)

Paul Morley and Trevor Horn’s experiment to create their own dark and twisted version of Abba, resulted in what many consider one of the best (and largely unappreciated) albums of the 80’s, Propaganda’s debut ‘A Secret Wish’. This version of the third single from the album starts with the sound of an old fashioned computer ‘dial-up’ and then builds, in typical House Of ZTT fashion, to a blistering, bombastic conclusion.

28 – Pet Shop Boys - Suburbia (The Full Horror) (Remixed by Julian Mendelsohn  - 8.55)

This was only the Pet Shop Boys fourth hit single, yet they already sound masterfully confident and gleefully willing to experiment. The ‘full horror’ mix by Julian Mendelsohn begins with the ominous sound of snarling dogs and is littered with a cacophony of explosions, breaking glass and some pretty catchy piano hooks.

27 – A-Ha – I’ve Been Losing You (12” Extended Mix) (Remixed by John ‘Jellybean’ Benitez  - 7.01)

When, on its third release, ‘Take On Me’ finally became the bands dream ticket to an international break-through, A-ha were keen to capitalise on their hard found success and promptly headed out on an enormous world tour to promote the ‘Hunting High and Low’ album. Equally anxious to maintain this momentum in their recorded output, they started recording the follow-up on the road, demoing in portable studios and recording whenever, and wherever they could. ‘Scoundrel Days’ is a patchy affair, but contains some of the bands best work in tracks such as ‘Weight Of The Wind’, ‘The Swing Of Things and the epic  title track (as well as the hits singles ‘Manhattan Skyline’ and ‘Cry Wolf’). Best of all is this first single from the album, pre-dating ‘The Living Daylights’ by a year, but sounding every inch the Bond theme, with its brass stabs, nervy percussion and dramatic false ending. This Jellybean mix turns up the groove and pushes the rhythm track to the front of the mix.

26 – Freeez - I.O.U. (Mega-Mix 12") (Remixed by John ‘Jellybean’ Benitez and John Robie  - 8.38)

This unlikely collaboration between a white jazz-funk outfit from London and Arthur Baker, the pioneering producer behind Hip Hop label Tommy Boy Records (including ground-breaking tracks by Afrika Bambaataa and Soul Sonic Force), would become one of the most influential dance/pop records of the 80’s, reaching No.2 on the UK singles chart and hitting No.1 on US Club charts in June 1983. The exhilarating mix of falsetto vocals, frantic hip hop beats and crazy fairlight vocal cut-ups still sounds incredibly fresh thirty years on.

25 – Ultravox – We Came To Dance (Extended Version) (Mixed by Geoff Emerick - 7.38)

This was the fourth Top 20 single released from the bands ‘Quartet’ album. Rather surprisingly, the album was produced by George Martin and accordingly, has a much warmer, more analogue, feel in comparison to their previous albums. This mix by Geoff Emerick strips away most of the vocal and instrumentation, and with nods to Giorgio Moroder and Kraftwerk, replaces them with a relentless, monotonous, hypnotic bass line and washes of icy synthesizer lines.

24 – Bryan Ferry – Slave To Love (Special 12” Re-Mix) (Remixed by Bob Clearmountain  - 5.56)

The Roxy Music front-man was enjoying a massive resurgence of commercial success with his sixth solo album, ‘Boys & Girls’ (his first in seven years). Stylistically similar and exuding the same brand of cool sophistication as the last Roxy Music album, ‘Avalon’, ‘Slave To Love’ was a Top 10 single in 1985. This extended mix by Bob Clearmountain starts with a crash of thunder before giving way to a languid and atmospheric Daniel Lanois-esque ambience.

23 – Soft Cell – Torch (12” Extended Version) (Mixed by Mike Thorne - 8.27)

First of two 12” singles by Marc Almond and Dave Ball on the list. Like the majority of the extended mixes produced by the band, this features some completely new verses and an extended middle section. Here we get a sung/spoken conversation between besotted fan Marc, declaring his undying love to the jaded and indifferent torch singing Diva, as voiced by Cindy Ecstasy – so let’s recap – that’s the opening gay front-man trying to seduce the tone deaf female singer, who just happened to be the bands drug dealer at the time (allegedly).

22 – Echo & The Bunnymen – Never Stop (Discotheque) (Mixed by David Balfe and The Bunnymen - 4.45)

With a slightly uncomfortable nod to the emerging electro-rock genre, as epitomised by New Order and their work with Arthur Baker and John Robie, this non-album single proved to be an interesting, if swiftly abandoned, experiment. Sequenced synthesiser lines, staccato strings, U2-esque guitar riffs and a killer xylophone hook...only in the 80’s!

21 – Sybil – My Love Is Guaranteed (PWL Pump Up The Volume 12” Mix) (Remixed by Phil Harding  - 7.38)

At the height of their success, the PWL Hit Factory team would release multiple 12” remixes for every release. The turnaround on these mixes was so fast that they were often able to ‘tip their hats’ to the big club hits of that particular moment. The logic being that DJ’s would mix their records with the ‘cooler’ club tracks and increase their exposure. This ‘Pump Up The Volume’ mix of Sybil’s No.47 hit from August 1987 is a perfect example of this. Mimicking M/A/R/R/S massive No.1 ‘Pump Up The Volume’ to great effect, It also served as a cheeky two fingered salute from Pete Waterman to the M/A/R/R/S collective, to go with the court injunction he had already served to limit the songs International release, following the discovery, within the track, of an unauthorised sample from the SAW team’s ‘Roadblock’ single.

20 – Depeche Mode – Just Can’t Get Enough (Schizo Mix) (Remixed by Daniel Miller and Depeche Mode - 6.46)

With only their second hit single Depeche Mode were already keen to prove that they were more than just a boy band who played synthesisers. This ‘Schizo’ mix of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’ strips away the pure pop exhilaration of the original and drops down into extended Kraftwerk-esque instrumental passages that transform the track into a hypnotic electro classic.

19 – ABC – Be Near Me (Munich Disco Mix) (Remixed by Martyn Webster - 4.58)

Following the commercial success of 1982’s seminal ‘Lexicon Of Love’ was proving to be an on-going nightmare for Martin Fry and Mark White. By the spring of 1985 they were still searching for that all important follow-up Top 10 hit. The first single from their forthcoming ‘How To Be A Zillionaire’ album (‘How To Be A Millionaire’) had stalled at No.49. Many assumed that its fashion-forward mix of bright electro beats, nods to Shannon’s ‘Let The Music Play’ and cartoon imagery was too much of a leap for their fanbase. ‘Be Near Me’ definitely had more in common with the lush orchestration and swooning balladry of their biggest hits, but it too failed to break the UK Top 20.This Mark Webster remix strips away all traces of the aforementioned orchestration and lays out a blistering mix of bombastic drums, Chic inspired sweeping strings, funky guitar licks and a relentless ‘That’s Right’ vocal chant.

18 – Heaven 17 – Let Me Go (Extended Mix) (Mixed by B.E.F. and Greg Walsh - 6.20)

Released as the first single from ‘The Luxury Gap’ and following a period of growing critical acclaim, ‘Let Me Go’ unexpectedly failed to break the UK Top 40, stalling at No.41 in October 1982. A curious mix of film-score chic and the white-boy funk / soul that had infused the ‘Penthouse and Pavements’ album, it stands as the creative bridge between cult success and the eventual commercial breakthrough they experienced with their next release, ‘Temptation’ (No.2 in April 1983).

17 – Visage – Visage (Original 12” Dance Mix) (Mixed by Midge Ure & Visage - 6.01)

This was the third hit from the eponymous debut album and perfectly exemplifies the euro-cool club mixes that the band had become synonymous with. Built purely to fill the dancefloors of underground New Romantic clubs and reflecting everything that was cool about the Blitz scene – outlandish fashion and make-up, the towering influence of Bowie and, obviously, chucking in a few lyrics in French.

16 – Yazoo – Nobody’s Diary (Extended Mix) (Mix by Eric Radcliffe - 6.08) / State Farm (Extended Mix) (Mix by Eric Radcliffe - 6.36)

The first double ‘A’ side entry to my list. By May 1983, Vince Clarke and Alison Moyet were nearing the end of their short, and highly successful, time together. Within a matter of months the band would release their second album (‘You & Me Both’ - No.1 in July 1983) and then promptly split up. This would be the last single released before Yazoo called it a day. ‘Nobody’s Diary’ is a poignant pop track written by Alison Moyet, while the B-side, ‘State Farm’, sees the duo returning to ‘Situation’ territory, to deliver another impossibly credible underground club track. Featuring an improbably infectious groove (considering it is the creation of a group of pasty white synth boffins from Basildon) and made complete by Moyet’s insanely funky vocal grunts and chants.

15 – Sonia – You’ll Never Stop Me Loving You (XXX Kiss Mix) (Remixed by Phil Harding  - 8.06)

Another of the SAW/PWL teams ‘sound-alike’ remixes. This time Sonia’s debut, No.1 single is given the Lil’ Louis treatment. ‘French Kiss’ was THE biggest record to break-out from the underground club scene for years and, here, Phil Harding declares his undying love and admiration for the track by re-creating the hypnotic instrumental and laying Sonia’s vocal on top. The effect is to turn the pure pop declaration of teen-love into something altogether more sinister and unnerving. My only criticism - perhaps we didn’t really need the re-created orgasmic screams from Sonia (who had just turned eighteen at the time).

14 – Elton John – I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That (Pettibone 12” Mix) (Remixed by Shep Pettibone - 7.15)

1988 saw Elton enjoying an extended period of commercial indifference in the UK. Aside from an anomalous re-issue of ‘Candle In The Wind’ reaching No.5 in January, he hadn’t scored a UK Top 10 single since ‘Nikita’ in 1985. Things were looking a lot rosier in the US. His perceived comeback album, ‘Reg Strikes Back’, hit No.16 on the US Billboard Chart (two places higher than in the UK) and the single ‘I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That’, reached No.2 on The Hot 100 (an improvement on its UK No.30 chart placing). This remix by Shep Pettibone transforms the song into a hi-energy dancefloor monster, with extended piano riffs and orchestral stabs, ending with a bemused Elton proclaiming ‘That was brilliant, what was that?’

13 – Blancmange  - Game Above My Head (Long Version) (Mixed by John Owen Williams and Blancmange - 7.14)

This is the second B-side on my list. Originally released in this ‘long version’ as the flip-side to the 12” release of ‘Waves’ (the fourth and final single released from the band’s debut album ‘Happy Families’). More stripped down and purely ‘electronic’ than most of their songs, but sharing the faintly middle eastern rhythms of their biggest hit ‘Living On The Ceiling’, this is by far the bands most interesting and experimental commercial release, pointing perhaps, to a creative road not taken.

12 – Kate Bush – Hounds Of Love (Alternative 12” Version) (Re-produced by Kate Bush - 3.48)

This 12” version is a unique addition to the list, clocking in at a mere forty five seconds longer than the original album version, but having been completely re-recorded for the 12” format. Leaving the pounding drum track intact and adding sawing strings and a simplified, almost live/one-take vocal, Kate strips back the majority of the original elements of the song to deliver a much more concise and minimalist mix. As such, it acts as a precursor to her ‘Directors Cut’ re-recording project released over twenty five years later.

11 – The Lover Speaks – Every Lovers Sign (New York Mix) (Remixed by Andy Wallace and Bruce Forest - 5.57)

Best remembered as the original artists behind Annie Lennox’s ‘No More ‘I Love You’s’’ (her cover version was a No.2 hit in February 1995) this UK duo should be credited with releasing one of the most underrated (and unheard) debut albums of the 80’s. This remix of the third single from the album beefs up the synth bass-line and rhythm track, adding much needed ‘muscle’ to the, rather weedy by comparison, original album version.

10 – Stephanie Mills – The Medicine Song (Original Mark Berry 12” Mix) (Remixed by Mark Berry - 6.40)

Most famous for her international breakthrough hit, the silky sweet ‘Never Knew Love Like This Before’ (No.4 in October 1980), the New York born soul singer had subsequently failed to crack the UK singles chart with any of her subsequent releases. By the time her 1984 ‘I’ve Got The Cure’ album was released, she had transformed into something altogether more confident and edgy. Dressed in a stylised, sexy nurses’ uniform, she delivers the sexually aggressive ‘Medicine Song’ lyric as a much more liberated, soul diva. This Mark Berry 12” mix adds to the dynamic tension already present within the song, ramping up the powerful synth stabs, rolling drum loops and some seriously sexy vocal ad-libs...’Mama’s gonna give you some medicine...I got the cure!’

9 – Simple Minds – Speed Your Love To Me (12” Version) (Remixed by Steve Lillywhite  - 7.29)

In 1983/1984 Steve Lillywhite had fingers in a couple of very profitable pies, as he nurtured a production monopoly over two of the UK’s biggest International rock exports, U2 and Simple Minds. His work on U2’s ‘War’ had acted as the perfect template for the sonic landscape that Jim Kerr and the Simple Minds camp had been hoping to map as they moved from ‘New Gold Dream 81 82 83 84’ to ‘Sparkle In The Rain’. ‘Speed Your Love To Me’ was the second single released ahead of the album (following ‘Waterfront’ - which had just matched the No.13 peak of their previous biggest hit, ‘Promised You A Miracle). This Steve Lillywhite extended remix kicks off by elevating Kirsty MacColl’s ethereal backing vocals to front and center of the track, adding breaks of thunderous driving drums, clattering percussion and an air of thrilling urgency, not to mention a ‘before it’s time’ chill out coda of whispering guitar chords and backward drum loops.

8 – Altered Images – I Could Be Happy (12” Dance Mix) (Remixed by Martin Rushent - 5.39)

Following their breakout hit, ‘Happy Birthday’, this was another Top 10 hit for the Scottish pop stars in December 1981. Produced by Martin Rushent during the same period he was working with The Human League. Here, he applies many of the same dub techniques he had so successfully employed to extend and re-model the biggest hits from ‘Dare’. Rushent transforms the track into a throbbing, joyous, rollercoaster ride of jangly guitar riffs, chimes and cut-up vocal samples. The mix was so beloved by the band that it was this version that appeared on the ‘Pinky Blue’ album instead of the three minute radio mix.

7 – Depeche Mode – Route 66 (Beatmasters Mix) (Remixed by The Beatmasters - 6.20)

This track was the B-side to ‘Music For The Masses’ third single ‘Behind The Wheel’. Chuck Berry’s rock ‘n’ roll classic may seem like a curious choice of song to cover for the UK synth-pop pioneers, but as they moved further into darker and, what would initially appear to be, less commercial territory, they had something to prove. Like the album’s title, this cover version was meant as an ironic, tongue in cheek, challenge to the expectations of the bands very vocal critics and doubters. This was the sound of a band having fun. Remixed by The Beatmasters (who were carving out a very lucrative career for themselves, delivering hit 7” radio mixes for the likes of The Shamen, Betty Boo and as artists in their own right). A driving guitar hook (pun intended) pushes the track forward, punctuated with vocal snippets from vintage US TV game shows all adding up to one of the quirkiest and unlikely additions to the list.

 6 - Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Two Tribes (Carnage) (Mixed by Stephen Lipson - 7.54)

Repeating the No.1 success of ‘Relax, this epic second single from ‘Welcome To The Pleasuredome’ would prolong its stay atop the UK singles chart with the staggered release of several remixes, spread across multiple 12” singles. While ‘Annihilation’ is considered by many as the definitive ‘Two Tribes’ remix, I always preferred ‘Carnage’. This Stephen Lipson mix takes Frankie back to where they belong – the dancefloor. Starting with a ubiquitously epic, orchestral fanfare, it borrows the pumping bass line from its predecessor and throws in a few samples of an orchestra falling down a flight of stairs for added drama. Peppered with the ominous ‘This Is The Last Voice You Will Ever Hear’ public announcements and the ‘My Name Is...’ introductions from the more laddish element of the band - this is Frankie, simultaneously, at their most provocative and most playful. Well ‘ard!

5 – Donna Summer – I Feel Love (Patrick Cowley Mega Mix) (Remixed by Patrick Cowley - 15.45)

The original version of ‘I Feel Love’ would lay the foundation on which was built the next thirty years of dance music (from Disco to EDM and everything in-between). Giorgio Moroder’s pulsing bass and sequenced synth lines would change the perception of synthesisers and all electronic music in general. Prising it out of the cold white hands of the German boffins (who were using it to make interesting noises on their pocket calculators) and leading it out onto the world’s dancefloors, to be embraced by the clambering, white-suited, masses. This Patrick Cowley ‘Mega-Mix’ was released a mere five years after the original (in 1982), and stands as a 12” remix master-class to rival the ‘Young Person’s Guide To The Twelve Inch’ mix of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s ‘Rage Hard’. At nearly sixteen minutes long, it’s by far the longest track on my list. Throwing everything a modern recording studio has to offer at it, the mix is bursting at the seams with sound-effects and crazy synthesiser solos. Desperate to maintain the hypnotic groove of the original, Cowley isn’t afraid to strip away the newly added layers, to leave the solitary, mesmerising bassline, front and center on several occasions during its extended running time. Disco Heaven!

4 – The Associates – Club Country (12” Extended Version) (Mixed by Mike Hedges & The Associates - 6.45)

Dundee acts as the unlikely backdrop for the birth of one of the brightest, but tragically short lived, 80’s pop careers. After years of experimental noodling and arty posing, Alan Rankin and Billy Mackenzie, had finally started to break into the mainstream with ‘Party Fears Two’ in February 1982. The otherworldly euphoria and widescreen drama of that track was matched, if not bettered, by its follow-up, ‘Club Country’, only a matter of months later. From its extended, thundering drum intro, to the sweeping synth-strings, all coated with layers of exquisitely unique vocals from Mackenzie, it’s a master-class in alternative pop - 80’s style. They were never to trouble the UK Top 20 singles chart again.

3 – The Human League – The Sound Of The Crowd (12” Version) (Remixed by Martin Rushent - 6.28)

It was make or break for The Human League in 1981. They had signed to Virgin Records in 1979, but had failed to deliver any hits. When the band imploded and split into two factions, it looked like it was all over. Front-man Phil Oakey had other ideas, and began to formulate a masterplan to become Sheffield’s answer to Abba. He met and recruited two teenage girls to act as backing singer/dancers, whisked them away on a European tour and in the process something miraculous happened (beside the non-involvement of Child Services). Their first single as The Human League Mk.2 (‘Boys & Girls’) failed to break the UK Top 40 and it’s rumoured that Virgin delivered an ultimatum - ‘The next one makes the Top 10, or you’re dropped’. Well it didn’t quite make it, ‘The Sound Of The Crowd’ reached No.12 in May 1981, but in just over six months the band would have the UK Christmas No.1 and hit the No.1 spot on the US Billboard Hot 100 with ‘Don’t You Want Me’. That song would bring them their biggest UK and US success, while also delivering a bottomless royalty-cheque retirement plan for Oakey / Callis / Adrian Wright, This Martin Rushent remix set the tone for much of the bands early 80’s output. Built for the dancefloor (it was colour coded as ‘Red’ to prove it), it’s a joyride of warped synth melody lines, stuttering drum machines and ecstatic chanting vocals.

2 – Sister Sledge – Lost In Music (Special 1984 Nile Rodgers Remix) (Remixed by Nile Rodgers - 6.37)

This may be considered cheating, as the original version of the Philadelphia born siblings finest moment was released in August 1979, but this remix and 12” release came during a second wave of interest for their, Chic produced, ‘We Are Family’ album. Three of the four original singles from the album were Top 40 hits again in 1984, with ‘Lost In Music’ being the biggest, reaching No.4. This mix was completed during the same period that the Chic boys were remixing ‘The Reflex’ for Duran Duran, hence the inclusion of Simon Le Bon and Andy Taylor on backing vocals and the same use of cut-up vocals and sampled ad-libs on the remix. ‘Melody is good to me’ indeed!

1 – Soft Cell – Bedsitter (Extended Mix) (Mix by Mike Thorne - 7.50)/ Facility Girls (Extended Mix) (Mix by Mike Thorne - 7.15)

Second on my list from Soft Cell, and my favourite 12” of the 80’s. For me this was always a double ‘A’ side. The extended version of ‘Bedsitter’ (subtitled ‘Early Morning Dance Side’ on the back of the single) paints an extra thick, even darker, smudge of eyeliner over the already sordid tale of 24 hour party people living on the poverty line – dancing, drinking and loving away their troubles. On the flip side ‘Facility Girls’ (subtitled ‘Late Night Listening Side’) stretches the original two minute and twenty one seconds running time into a seven minute epic tale of young lovers, struggling to stay afloat as they face the pitfalls of their mundane jobs and the trials of everyday life. Filled with more kitchen sink drama than your average Homebase.

‘Only God Forgives’ 

: the new fragrance by Nicolas Winding Refn

The facts are these: Ryan Gosling is a beautiful man. He has incredible integrity as an actor. He possesses the same easy physicality that made Harrison Ford one of the biggest movie stars of the 70’s and 80’s. A little bit of pee comes out every time I let myself believe that the casting rumours about JJ Abrams’ ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ might be true. He has an understanding of technique and the acting process that makes Daniel Day Lewis look like Dev from ‘Coronation Street’. I have no doubt that one day he will do ‘full retard’ and bag himself the Oscar. If I was Nicolas Winding Refn I too, would want to spend as much time with Ryan Gosling as possible. I’d set up meetings to discuss our fantasy projects, I would spend every waking hour making sure that Ryan got whatever Ryan wanted. My year would look like this - three months scraping together the funding, three months of shooting, three months editing it all together and another three months promoting it around the world...just in time to head back to Ryan’s pad in LA to start the whole process again...’it seems silly to have my own place when there is so much room in your apartment Ryan’ I’d say. By my calculation that leaves exactly no time at all, to actually write a decent script and herein lies the problem.

‘Only God Forgives’ is a relentlessly bleak and sordid revenge tale that, once it has grabbed hold, drags you on a terrifying journey through the criminal underworld of Bangkok and doesn’t let go until everyone is, literally, screaming for their mummy . It has brutal sexual murders, prostitution, hard drugs, limb amputation and the worst acupuncture session scene since Derek Jarman’s ‘St Sebastian’.  What it doesn’t have is much of a script.

Don’t get me wrong, there is some pretty terrific dialog in there – mostly delivered by Kristen Scott Thomas’s Crystal - mother to Ryan Gosling’s character, Julian and his wayward older brother, Billy. Here is a role that will inevitably bring heaps of praise for Scott Thomas and will undoubtedly rank as one of her finest creations. Crystal is ruthless. She will do anything to avenge the death of her first born son, even if it means sacrificing his younger sibling. Her relationship with her children is so impossibly twisted that she makes Rose West look like Maria Von Trapp.  If this was ‘Sophie’s Choice’, Crystal wouldn’t choose either of her kids, she’d swap them both for a nice leopard skin bra top and an upgrade to first class on the way home instead.  She’s Peggy Mitchell channelling Bette Davis in ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’, but with a better wardrobe and a really potty mouth.

What Nicolas Winding Refn has created is something truly spectacular and mesmerising to look at – much like Mr Gosling himself – but it all adds up to little more than the most bloody and brutal after shave commercial you’ve ever seen - ‘Only God Forgives’ by Calvin Klein.

A real acquired taste, and as such, I have a weird feeling that this perfume might smell a bit like black pudding, with a faint after-note of disappointment.

Originally written 03/08/13

In praise of ‘Scandal’

The revolution will be televised (and there’s a good chance it will be wearing a power suit and fabulous shoes)

I’m a huge fan of ‘Scandal’ (Season two currently airing in the UK - 9pm Thursday on More 4). It’s a glossy political thriller that is populated by a cast, so impossibly glamorous and improbably quick witted, they make the regulars of Central Perk look like The Munsters and sound like a remedial class at Byker Grove. Everyone featured in the show is a lawyer, an expert in something that most of us have never even heard off, or they work within the higher echelons of the US government – presumably having graduated from the University of Abercrombie and Fitch with first class honours in Fabulousness. Characters are prone to revealing their deepest (and darkest) secrets as easily, and with the same relish, as we mere mortals would squeeze an unsightly spot in front of the mirror in the privacy of our own bathrooms. Their romantic clinches are of such a passionate and uncontrollable nature, that their intimate moments resemble a ravenously hungry hyena bringing down a straggling wildebeest and gorging on its face – so much so that you could be forgiven for wondering where the David Attenborough commentary has gone.

While many would assume that this means it shares more DNA with the high gloss, high camp and high hem lines on display in the likes of ‘Dallas’, ‘Dynasty’ and ‘The Good Wife’ than the perceived high brow, high drama of ‘The West Wing’, ‘Homeland’ or ‘The Wire’ (in the case of the later, everyone is just REALLY high!), such a dismissive attitude is a serious disservice to the show. Last week’s episode involved Olivia and her team of ‘Fixers’ exposing a government initiative called ‘Thorngate’ – a classified computer programme that allows the FBI to spy on every US citizen by (illegally)gaining access to their personal computers, cell phones, webcams etc – Hello! Didn’t I just see something about that over the shoulder of someone who wasn’t reading ‘Gone Girl’ and was actually reading a newspaper on the tube? This type of ‘ripped from the headlines’ storyline is pretty common practice for US shows such as ‘Law & Order’, but ‘Scandal’ manages to make such real life events seem outlandishly farfetched and raises the personal stakes to deliriously overwrought heights. Personally, I think ‘Scandal’ has more in common with ‘24’ (the Kiefer Sutherland starring, race against real-time, heightened reality, political thriller which is scheduled for resurrection in 2014 after cancellation ended its initial run of eight seasons between 2001 and 2010).

Like Jack Bauer, Olivia Pope is a maverick who knows how to get the job done, even if it means colouring in, outside the lines. Both are pretty confident that they know everything they need to know, about everything they need to know – in his case it invariably meant dismantling thermo nuclear warheads, planning escape routes from terrorist infested bunkers and finding the most discrete ways to spend a penny during those on-screen clock countdown moments, while in her case, it usually involves endless ‘secret’ meetings, in inexplicably deserted wooded areas of central Washington DC (estimated population: 630,000), with the most famous man in the world, without anyone ever popping a word of it onto their Facebook wall or splashing it all over the front page of the ‘National Enquirer’ under the headline ‘P.O.T.U.S. pokes Pope’. Despite their maverick status’ both feel the need to surround themselves with a team of experts, who chiefly appear to be there to be proven wrong, by Olivia or Jack, at appropriately ‘there’s no turning back’ moments. Every situation that Bauer and Pope find themselves in ends with the same hysterical levels of stress and panic usually reserved for the hapless party planners who realise that they have double booked the Royal baby christening for the same night, in the same venue, as the annual ‘I Was A BBC TV Presenter In The Seventies’ reunion bash. Being a misunderstood maverick also facilitates numerous opportunities to stare longingly into the middle distance – in Jack’s case it invariably signalled that he was remembering a particularly nasty bout of torture or the administering of a coma inducing injection that not only left a nasty rash, but resulted in a three week blank spot in his short term memory, while Olivia is contemplating whether her years of sacrifice and self denial, the years studying the bar, clawing her way to the top of a male dominated profession, only to have to give it all up for a married man whom she could never hope to settle down with, were all for nothing – she must be wondering  if she is going to spend so much time loitering in the parks and gardens of the Capital, she probably would have been wiser to have just knocked off a quick City and Guilds in landscape gardening and spent the rest of her College years partying like those Disney Channel  teen-queens  in ‘Spring Breakers’.

The universal truths that form the heart of both these shows are simple – every job requires sacrifice, every relationship requires negotiation and, most importantly, every hour of US television is actually only forty two minutes long, so you had better speak really fast if you want to get all those plot twists explained before the credits role.

Swap out ‘24’s relentless ticking clock for ‘Scandal’s relentlessly ticking biological clock, Jack’s killer instinct for Olivia’s killer heels or replace the ever present threat of W.M.D. with the ever present threat of V.P.L. & you pretty much have the same show.  

Perhaps the most interesting thing about ‘Scandal’ is something that sets it apart from virtually every other US network show - truly ‘colour blind’ casting. The main character is a complex, successful and financially independent, black woman, the small regular cast is rounded out with another black actor, an openly gay Cuban actor playing straight, a gay character who lives with his much younger lover &, perhaps most shocking of all, one of the lead actresses is ginger. Outside the science fiction and fantasy genres, shows such as ‘True Blood’ and ‘The Walking Dead, and away from cable channels such as HBO & Showtime, this diversity and avoidance of racial and sexual stereo-typing is pretty ground-breaking stuff, but the truly unique thing is that these facts are all completely irrelevant to the character’s actions or motivations and have no direct bearing on the plot, or character’s development within, the show.  

On the surface, ‘Scandal’ may seem like yet another bit of glossy fluff, but scratch the surface and there’s something far more interesting and revolutionary going on, both on and off the screen. 

Originally written 28/07/13

Up, Up &...Oh! Please Just Go Away...

Mid-Term Movie Review 2013

You may have noticed that i've had too much time on my hands for most of this year & my cinema attendance has gotten a little out of hand –I think it might be time for the mid-term review...

The six months since January have brought us Super Heroes – a disappointingly hollow ‘Man Of Steel’ (it felt like i’d spent an hour & a half transfixed by the promise of a perfect specimen of  Superman, only for him to turn around at the last minute & reveal the skid marks on the back of his little red panties) & a worthy Iron Man threequel  (it dragged in the middle, I would have re-cast that kid, but the finale sequences were a master-class in big budget movie making) – Science Fiction - an ‘everything-I-could-possibly-have-wanted’ Star Trek movie (Khaaaaaaaaaan!),  four separate visits to see the visually stunning ‘Oblivion’ & one regrettable trip to see the virtually stunted ‘After Earth’ – Music –the ‘I can’t believe that I’m a grown man crying’ euphoria of ‘Good Vibrations’ & two films with The Stone Roses as their main subject matter (‘Made Of Stone’ & ‘Spike Island’) -Literary Adaptations - 3D F. Scott Fitzgerald (‘The Great Gatsby’) & ‘Life Of Pi’, the flawed, but never less than fascinating  ‘Cloud Atlas’ – Biographical  – the Oscar worthy performances of Michael Douglas & Matt Damon in ‘Behind The Candelabra’ & the most immersive acting job i think i’ve ever seen from Daniel Day Lewis in ‘Lincoln’ (it’s just a pity that the movie wasn’t quite as accomplished) – Zombies – one delivered with a pulse (‘World War Z’) & one that arrived D.O.A. (‘Warm Bodies’) – Weather - a Tsunami (‘The Impossible’) , a storm at sea (‘Life of Pi’), a twister (‘Oz : The Great & Powerful’) & a bit of a wet weekend (Steve Coogan as Paul Raymond  in ‘The Look Of Love’) – All Kinds Of Thrillers – Psychological : ‘Trance’, ‘Arbitrage’ & ‘The Purge’ -  Pulpy : ‘Stoker’, ‘Side Effects’ & ‘Maniac’ – Pacey : ‘Welcome To The Punch’, ‘Jack Reacher’, ‘Olympus Has Fallen’  & ‘Dead Man Down’ & Just Plain Bonkers : ‘The Paper Boy’, ‘Spring Breakers’ & ‘Django Unchained’.

With all that going on, i’m more than a little surprised that an early contender for my film of the year is ‘Before Midnight’, the third instalment of the long gestating relationship saga that I didn’t even know I was waiting for. This is a movie with no special effects, no ‘fast-cut’ editing or emotion prompting score. The takes are long & filled with tightly scripted, but improvised sounding, dialog & it has a main cast of just two actors (Julie Delpy & Ethan Hawke) both in their early forties,  neither  of whom (with the greatest respect) would described themselves as A-listers. Maybe It’s the throw-back to Woody Allen at his wise-cracking, relationship analysing best (or maybe that should be a ‘throw-forward’ considering the photogenic locations that this movie shares with Allen’s recent Euro-based output?). All I can say is that despite not particularly relating to the characters circumstances or lifestyle, I cared about what happened to them, I laughed (a lot) & the movie delivered my favourite line of dialog so far this year – Celine is trying to express how difficult it had been raising the couples young daughters alone, while Jesse was away on book tours or writing breaks, resorting to walking the city streets at night with the girls in a double pushchair, trying to lull them to sleep. She recalls an incident when a man tried to attack her, but gave up because she looked ‘so pathetic’ - She says ‘that’s the one good thing about being over 35, you don’t get raped so much’.  If only Amy Adams’ Lois Lane could have been just as quippy - you believed that Margot Kidders’ was.

Originally written 28/06/13

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Tegan & Sara – Pool To Be Kind

During the numerous outpourings of love, gratitude & humility that occurred during the Tegan & Sara concert at Troxy last night i became convinced that these were two very nice, well brought up young ladies. Now, I do realise that things might be different when the pound coins they’ve placed on the pool table get ignored & someone pushes in on their session, but on last nights’ evidence i’d be surprised...

Originally written 12/06/13

Johnny Marr , Don’t Give Up The Day Job!

Watching Johnny Marr performing ‘How Soon Is Now’ on ‘Later...with Jools Holland’ last week was more disturbing than the opening episode of French ‘back-from-the-dead’ supernatural thriller ‘The Returned’

Not particularly because Johnny, like the focus character from the enigmatic set-up episode, looked like he may have spent the last four years dragging himself from the wreckage of a rather nasty bus crash, no, it was more the deafening, unholy sound of The Smiths near perfect legacy spinning in it’s grave.

I have no problem with the singers from, now defunct, bands performing their erstwhile outfits greatest hits – i never really understood Paul McCartney taking nearly fifteen years to embrace his Beatles past in his live sets – but for the same reasons that i wouldn’t want to see Morrissey ‘wielding his axe’ on the ‘Guitar Moods of The Smiths’ live tour, Benny & Bjorn singing ‘The Winner Takes It All’, or the drummer from Genesis pitching up to the centre stage &...oh, wait a minute, that one’s not such a bad idea after all...anyway,  Johnny Marr is an amazing guitarist & if he was aiming for  the Pierce Brosnan in ‘Mama Mia’ vibe, it was a huge success, otherwise he should stick to performing tracks from his debut solo album, ‘No-one Should Have To Listen To This’, or whatever it’s called.  Criminally vulgar indeed...

Originally written 10/06/13

 ‘It’s A Nice Day For A Red Wedding’ 

or ‘Why I believe Alexis Carrington deserves a seat on the Iron Throne’

For those of you who haven’t seen it,  or don’t bother to watch serialised television in it’s natural habitat i.e. serialised on television, this week’s ‘Game Of Thrones’ was an incredible high point in, what can only be described as, an over-achieving, ‘raising the bar’ Season 3.

The episode was called ‘The Rains Of Castamere’, but those au fait with the George R R Martin source material (of which i am not) have been giggling & whispering smugly about it behind our backs since the show launched a couple of years ago, referring to it knowingly as ‘The Red Wedding’.  Not because the centre piece of the wedding banquet was a mountain of delicious (& bang on-trend) red velvet cup-cakes or the bridesmaids were decked out,   in a vision of slutty inappropriateness,   in matching scarlet puff-sleeved big fat gypsy wedding dresses, no, it is known as ‘The Red Wedding’ because virtually all the guests end up lying in pools of their own blood after spraying fountains of ‘the red stuff’ from massive gapping slits in their throats.

Now this rang some very loud (wedding) bells with me & i was whisked back in time to another TV union that ended in death, destruction &, more importantly, higher viewing figures.

Like ‘Game of Thrones’, ‘Dynasty’ was at the top of it’s game when ‘The Moldavian Massacre’ aired as the climax to it’s Season 5 finale in 1986  Both shows feature feuding families, power struggles & a pair of old dragons (come on! Joan was already pushing 70 back then).  Although the settings couldn’t be more different, ‘Game Of Thrones’ blood bath unravelled in the dingy cellar of some re-claimed National Trust Heritage site, while the union of Prince Michael of Moldavia & Amanda Bedford (Alexis & Blake’s secret love-child no less!) took place in a sun-drenched LA studio back-lot given a Euro-makeover by hanging up a few strings of onions & drafting in every out of work actor in Hollywood,  who looked ‘a bit foreign’,  to sit on the grooms side or act as waiting staff.  In both cases, what unfolded condemned a pair of exotic beauties with ‘just stepped out of the salon’, ‘because we’re worth it’ hair, to their respective fates, motionless & left for dead as the end titles rolled. In the case of ‘Game Of Thrones’ Talisa of Valantis (main character Robb Starks’ pregnant bride played by Oona Chaplin), her time under the dryer was over, while Michael Praed lived to blow wave another day as ‘Dynasty’s’  Prince Michael of Moldavia.

Now i seem to have veered off topic a little, but here are the main lessons to be learned when attending a future ‘Game of Thrones’ wedding (or similar social gathering):

1 - if one of the guests turns up wearing chain mail armour under their best clobber, the first dance isn’t likely to be ‘Lady In Red’ by Chris De Burgh (although that does seem strangely appropriate in this case), it’s more likely to be something a bit scary by Slayer of Cradle of Filth.

2 – PDA’s (Public Displays of Affection) are ill advised – especially if the person your snogging is not one of the daughters of the host whom you vowed to marry a couple of years earlier.

3 - Never eat the salt & bread snacks laid on at a paying bar –it may be customary & a traditional sign of allegiance, but they are really only trying to get you to drink more. Besides, i’m never convinced that a ‘now wash your hands’ sign in the gents is enough at this kind of buffet event.

4 – if you look over & someone from Coldplay is in the wedding band, it’s time to leave – but that might just be a good rule of thumb for any social event.

It’s in circumstances like these & with shows like this, that i see the real value, & pleasure, in watching TV, on TV, once a week.  The build-up, the ritual of ‘Event TV’ & then seven days to recover from the WTF just happened!  Binge-watching box-sets & streaming multiple episodes of TV shows is all well & good, but it feels a bit like stashing two tubes of Pringles & a bag of M&M’s in your bedroom, rather than sitting down & having a proper meal.  Some things are worth savouring & sometimes a little bit of anticipation is as much a part of the eventual pleasure.  Oh!  by the way,  good luck avoiding spoilers all you Box-Setters (& those who have moral objections to watching Sky TV or illegal downloads), only eight months ‘til the ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 3 DVD box-set gets released!

Originally written - 05/06/13